Adonai is distorted before our eyes due to the pain we experience and everything we know as being true at that moment becomes zero.
If before experiencing pain you can proclaim that you know for a fact that "The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them." (Psalm 34:7) when you're in pain you think that "He has kindled his wrath against me and counts me as his adversary.
His troops come on together; they have cast up their siege ramp against me and encamp around my tent. " (Job 19:11-12)If before you were in pain you believed that Adonai is everywhere as it is written: "If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me." (Psalm 139:8-10) the moment you suffer you believe that Adonai is nowhere to be found: "Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him" (Job 23:8-9)
If before the test of pain you used to think that "Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him." (Proverbs 30:5) the moment you get tested you think "For the arrows of the Almighty are in me; my spirit drinks their poison; the terrors of God are arrayed against me." (Job 6:4)
If before suffering you thought that "Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8), when you suffer you think (about Adonai) "And were my head lifted up, you would hunt me like a lion and again work wonders against me." (Job 10:16)
If pain, or suffering or watching your dreams die convince you that all you knew about Adonai is a lie, then I'm sorry to tell you this, but you still have a long way to go. Untested faith is no faith at all.
For more than 2 months I was in constant pain, day and night and I mean the kind of pain that draws all life out of someone and renders one powerless and desperate. When my pain began thanks to an ulcer, I thought "well this is unfair because there is no reason under the sun for which I should experience this and so it's not fair."
Adonai didn't come to shake me and scream at my unbelief "I knew your faith was shallow!" He kept quiet even if He was in pain, suspected by this mortal that He is everything He's not, but one night when I was crying and kept repeating "I don't know how much more of this I can take" I felt He came to me and asked me "If you believe that I am good only when your eyes tell You I am good and only when everything works out the way you want it, what is unusual about your faith? Don't pagans do the same? How is your faith any different?" I placed my hand over my mouth and said nothing.
You see, in this relationship that He and I have, He loves me and is unmoved and unchanged in His decision to stay by my side no matter what; no matter if i make Him feel good or not and sadly more often than not, He suffers because of me. Everyday my enemy goes before Him with solid proof of my unfaithfulness and tells Him that He is entitled to believe the worst about me, that I deserve for Him to abandon me and never even look my way again, still... He looks at Yeshua that stands between me and Him, and because of His regard for the price Yeshua paid, Adonai never lets go even if He would be better off without me.
Even though He sees me exactly as I am, He always looks at me through faith. He's not unsure in this relationship and He always sees beyond what I show Him, hears more than what I tell Him and loves for the both us.
I can never thank Him enough for what He does, it would only sound like cheap words. All I can do is look at Adonai through Yeshua, through faith and not through pain. Is that an easy thing to do? As easy as trying to imitate Monet when you lack any form of talent. All I can do is imitate Him in this relationship and hope that one day I'll be able to make Him feel loved, at least 0,1% of how loved I feel by Him.
If pain makes you see Him different than He said He is, then close you eyes and place a hand over your mouth and be quiet until the pain is gone because only now you see the real measure of faith that you have.
Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה
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