“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”
- Stephen King

The articles in this blog represent my own belief, thoughts and walk with Adonai and the things He teaches me. Do not copy or publish any of my articles without my permission.

Thank you for your understanding,
Bat Melech בת מלך

Monday, June 26, 2017

Despair?



I was in Romania for 10 days visiting my friends and family and I have returned to England with a heavy heart, feeling a little lost as one is prone to feel when one is torn in half with the inability to be in two places at once and be two different versions of you at once. 

It happens sometimes that I am faced with a certain thing or event and after that encounter I feel completely disconnected from everything I knew before the encounter. If I haven’t mentioned it before, ahm… I have issues (more than a Vogue magazine). Anyway, because I know myself, I am prepared for times like this. You see, I have a habit of recording everything I live or feel or inspires me since I was about 14. Why? For such a time as this. For times when I feel misplaced or just off somehow. Then I can just pick up one of my journals or inspirational things I’ve written and remember. 

This was the case today. I felt like my soul was yelling at me “Enough already!” So because I don’t want an internal war I was like, “Ok, let’s do this!” and proceeded to pick up this little notebook where I would just scribble down any little fact I read that had an impact on me. It’s a disaster really, because I recorded everything from the greatest rabbis to anime characters with awesome lines; from Seneca to lyrics to Avril Lavigne’ songs. Basically, it’s all over the place. 

Among all the many quotes I have in there, the one I will mention is one by Tzvi Freeman and it says:

“Despair is the ultimate form of self-worship—the perception that you have the capacity to truly mess up, to take the world’s destiny out of its Creator’s hands and sabotage His plans.
Know that the world is in a constant state of elevation, rocketing upwards towards its ultimate wholeness at every moment. Every quivering of every leaf, every subtle breeze, every slightest motion of any particle of our universe is another move in that same direction. Even those events that seem to thrust downward are in truth only a part of the ascent—like the poise of an athlete before he leaps, the contraction of a spring before its energy is released.
There is not a thing you could do to halt that dynamic even for a moment. True, you must take responsibility for your deeds, and work hard, very hard, to clean up your own mess. But when all the dust settles, you are exactly in the space where you were meant to be: One step closer.”

I know it would be so much easier to have the plan all laid out, like a project for a house that you can look at when the mess of the construction site makes you doubt there is an end to all that dust and clutter. But I don’t have the plan, only the Architect of my life’s plan. When in doubt, I need to look at Him and trust like a child, because all knowledge and maturity flies out the window and all you have is a reassuring smile that whispers from every page of The Book “I’ve got this! Just trust Me.” And I do, because the option is to despair and I can’t afford to do that. So I’ll trust in You, not because I need to stay positive, but because You have never failed me HaShem. Not once. I’ve checked. You’re worthy! Even of my insignificant trust, Adonai.


Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Monday, June 5, 2017

Real



By now, people that know me a little bit, know that nothing inspires me more than cartoons, animated movies and children books. Yeah, I know! Real genius. Be that as it may, it works for me. 

My favorite children story is The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry followed by the Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams Bianco and I decided to share a passage from the latter, just because I think it’s extremely beautiful:

“The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.
"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
---------     The Velveteen Rabbit by  Margery Williams Bianco


I am Real. Not because I am simply that great, but because I am loved by HaShem. I know that just by looking at whatever hits the eye, some might feel inclined to ask why am I such a mess, or why are some things missing, like the Skin Horse missed an eye or some hair, but my answer is just that some of me has been loved off. But when you’re Real you don’t really mind, because you know you can’t have that closeness without some of you getting lost in the process. And the best part? Adonai hasn’t grown out of it. Hasn’t gotten tired of loving me and knowing His heart, I doubt He ever will. Because once you’re Real, you can’t become unreal ever again. It lasts for always.  

Just a thought…


Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Monday, May 29, 2017

Despite apperances



When men in the camp were jealous of Moshe (Moses) and Aharon (Aaron), the holy one of the Lord. (Tehillim/Ps.106:16) 


Yesterday I was reading Psalm 106 and I saw Aharon being called, the holy one of the Lord and that brought immediately to mind the whole story of the golden calf. 

In Shemot (Exodus), Moshe goes up the mouintain with Aharon, Nadav, Avihu and 70 elders of Israel and in verse 10 it says, that they saw HaShem. Aharon saw HaShem. When he was in Mitzrayim (Egypt), Aharon was Moshe’s mouth. He spoke before pharaoh and did miracles in front of him and in front of all Israel... He has seen Adonai. He knew Adonai.

Moshe goes up to the mountain with Yehoshua to receive Ha Torah (The Law) and Aharon is left in charge of the people. 40 days and 40 nights pass and during this time Elohim tells Moshe Speak to the people of Israel, that they take for me a contribution. From every man whose heart moves him you shall receive the contribution for me.  And this is the contribution that you shall receive from them: gold, silver, and bronze ...” (Ex. 25:2-3) Adonai tells Moshe this while the children of Israel were giving away their gold in order to make an idol for themselves, as if He didn’t know they were giving away their precious things to something that didn’t deserve it. As if He couldn’t see down in the valley a people that was turning its back on Him, lead by Aharon. As if Adonai’s unaware of the fact that His people were worshiping another, He tells Moshe how He wants His place of worship to look like. And while Aharon was melting gold to create an idol, Adonai tells Moshe Then bring near to you Aaron your brother, and his sons with him, from among the people of Israel, to serve me as priests.” (Ex 28:1)

It sounds insane to see Adonai and then forget His face immediately and only days later to act as if that was no big deal. To forget His face and everything you’ve seen and worship something you’ve made with your own hands. It sounds impossible. Mind boggling. Whoever reads this can’t help but call Aharon a traitor. And he was. But I’m not gonna talk about Aharon’s stupidity right now. I have learned to not be shocked by anything humans do, just like I’m not shocked anymore even by the things I do or say, things that should never even cross my mind. The human heart is incredibly wicked regardless how good of an opinion one might have about oneself. So no, I don’t wish to speak about the human heart, but about Adonai’s heart. 

I know some people like to think that The God of The Old Covenant was a harsh God and really hard to please, while the God of The New Covenant is love.In The Old Covenant Adonai was merciless and in The New Covenant He is all grace, but I’ve got news for you. He is One and the same, unchanging. (James 1:17)

Like I said, nothing amazes me anymore when it comes to people. I know for a fact that regardless how holy they may be they can defile themselves and regardless how perverted they may be they can become holy. So even if nothing amazes me about humans anymore, everything about Adonai does. And I don’t say that to get some ’amen’ out of reflex nor to extract some admiration like ”oh, isn’t that just lovely! Bless her she’s so easily impressed!” But tell me, how can one not be in awe when one sees His heart? How does one not wail out loud when you know that everything that moves Ha Kadosh Baruch Hu (The Holy One blessed is He) is His love for us? 

He talks to Moshe about the gifts He is ready to receive from a people that cheat on Him as He speaks and He knows it. He talks about the holy garments He wants to dress Aharon in at the same time He sees Aharon making an idol for the people. Adonai sees Aharon in all his filth and He still wants him to be His priest. Adonai tells Moshe to take two onyx stones and engrave on them the names of the 12 tribes of Israel and Adonai says ”And Aaron shall bear their names before the Lord on his two shoulders for remembrance.” In other words just like he’s leading them in idol worship right now, he’ll bear their names before The Lord, forever. 

What kind of heart do You have Adonai? You see all and know all. You see that sometimes I get a revelation of just how amazing You are, only to say the most idiotic thing 2 seconds later. You see that I have moments like Keefa (Peter) when I realize exactly who You are only to make you tell me 2 minutes later "get thee behind me satan!" And even so, You watch me with eyes clean of any trace of resentfulness, despite the fact that You can do with me as You wish... I am Yours! But You treasure me even in my downfalls as if You don’t see all the evil lurking inside me. What kind of love is this, Adonai? It’s insane! You love insanely, Adonai! Sometimes I feel like telling you ”Guard Your heart against me at least a little bit!” But You don’t know how to love partially. You love completely. You forgive completely. You believe completely. And You believe for me. You believe just like You believed for Aharon. You believe despite appearances that my craziness doesn’t define me. You believe for me that one day I’ll choose right. You believe for me even more than I believe for myself. Teach me to believe like You, Adonai. Teach me to love like You do, Adonai without holding anything back. Without judging You wrong everytime I don’t understand what You do. When I see how You love me I know I don’t know how to love You. But I am willing to learn, Adonai. Help me!



Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה