Monday, 17 October 2016

The Word

” In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” – John 1:1

This Saturday I was watching this experiment designed to show the way a human brain functions when it comes to reading words. I’m not sure to what extent that works in all languages, but in English, if you keep the first and the last letter of every word, regardless of how you mix the letters inside, it will allow the mind to actually make sense of the words, or interpret every word it reads.
As I was watching this, it came to mind the fact that Yeshua said He is the Alpha and Omega (A Ω  first and last letters of the Greek alphabet), or Alef and Tav, ( א  ת first and last letters of the Hebrew alphabet). I understood that whether it’s a word, a concept, an idea or a theory, if it begins and ends with Yeshua, then things make sense even if they seem chaotic inside.
Many times I struggle to utter the right idea concerning a concept that I think I grasped about Adonai and I am not always successful to get everything exactly right every time and as I grow I see that I’ve misplaced one letter, still I know that if I keep the first and last letter in place, it makes sense. I may be misspelling in every single language that I try to write in and sometimes I’m convinced that that’s how it’s spelled, but even when I’m wrong, whoever wants to understand, understands. Sometimes I may not be able to express every thought or concept in a flawless theology, but if He is the beginning and the end of every word, then it can be understood even if it needs a spell check.
I thought about Yov (Job) and how he began with every word spelled exactly ‘right’, metaphorically speaking. Everything made sense. Things were simple. He had only one theory guiding him: If you are a righteous man and try to do good and if you fear HaShem (God) and seek to do His will, then the result can only be good; you have nothing to fear because no evil shall befall you and no harm will come to you and yours. Simple. Until all the horrendous things happened to him and his family and all that was left of his theory was a pile of jumbled letters. And it took him a while to make sense of it all. When I read about how he had sat and analysed everything, it almost seems like he was trying to put back together a puzzle that has been scattered by the wind everywhere. If you’re trying to solve a puzzle you first have to find all the outer pieces, those that make out the perimeter of the puzzle, those that define its limits.
If you try to define a certain situation when the accuser keeps asking, ‘where is your God? And if He is, doesn’t He care that you’re about to perish?’, then you have to start with the Beginning and finish with the End, as retarded as that sounds. Every explanation that you want to give yourself must start with Yeshua and end with Him, otherwise nothing will make sense.
There are high chances that maybe you won’t reach the right conclusion concerning the ‘why?’, but as long as your thought ends with ‘even so, He is still my God’, then you have nothing to worry about.
Sometimes it so happens that everything you know about Him is tested. And it happens that you end up with a lot of your theories either dead or crippled, but as long as you keep the first and the last letter in place, it’s OK, breathe!
Just because all your letters are jumbled, it doesn’t mean it’s unintelligible. It only means that you’re about to find out that Adonai gave you the strength and wisdom to read situations as if they’re spelled right and that’s because He has placed Himself and the beginning and the end of every word. 

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Thursday, 7 January 2016

In The Light

After ignoring my blog for quite some time I decided to write a post. 

For those that kept asking me questions regarding my blog: Yes, I am still alive! No, I haven’t lost myself along the way. Yes, I still write even if not online. Yes, I will continue writing on my blog, even if it won’t be as often as I would like. Moving on...

Last night I had a dream where I was standing in front of a group of people and I was singing Kumi Ori (Arise, shine). Someone from the crowd asked, „what do these words mean?” and I quoted “Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you.” (Isaiah 60:1-2)

When I woke up I started thinking. I don’t know about others but I for one don’t feel like I shine too much. There are people close to me that don’t need to be asked twice before they’ll tell you everything they see wrong about my light. Many times even I give myself headaches with how my light switches on and off worse than a cheap Christmas tree light. And I would love to be constant, to be this super-human that every time she opens her mouth only wisdom and spiritual words come forth. The sort of person that starting with facial expressions or gestures and ending with actions does only good and wonderful deeds and seems really „zen”, but unfortunately Asian philosophy and I never got along. 

People have this image in their mind of what one that calls himself a „follower of Yeshua” should look like and if you can’t reach that standard they label you as „fake” and you end up labeling yourself as such as well. Thus some people begin trying to overcompensate for that unworthy feeling by acting over-spiritual, which at its best looks plain ridiculous and at its worst ends up judging others that either haven’t learned to fake it as good as them or simply don’t want to. 

Beloved, I am not Light. I only testify about The Light. The true Light that gives light to everyone coming into the world. (John 1:9) If you look at me and expect me to shine just like The Light, I will let you down. Only He is good – at best I can imitate His goodness and even that sometimes falls short of expectations. Only He is perfect – at best I can desire to be clean. Only His thoughts are good, mine are often envious, critical or just plain mean. And it’s easy for me to be mean because I don’t have to fight to edit anything about myself. It’s really not easy to transform myself in His image. And try as I might, I inevitably end up leaking meanness. But I keep fighting to transform myself and look less like me and more like Him. So if you see me sometimes defeated by my own nature and that makes you feel all good about yourself and you end up thinking, „see, she’s no better!” – you have a big Like from me and I offer you my congratulations on the outstanding sharp eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret: I am no better! I am a sinner that Adonai took pity on and have opened my eyes to see His goodness and in His light I see The Light. (Ps 36:9)

If I stand in The Light and I say that about myself, it doesn’t mean that I believe myself to be above others. It only means that I have placed myself in the most vulnerable place of all. In order to have Him, I made myself visible, for all to see and inspect. In order to be in The Light’s range you have to become vulnerable, because even the smallest imperfection becomes obvious to everyone that cares to look. I am not standing in The Light due to me feeling superior to others, but because I’m simply like a moth that is attracted to Light without caring how hideous it appears in The Light. 

I am like Adam that understood he was naked, but instead of hiding, I shamelessly stand in The Light because I don’t stand through my own excellence but through The One that died for me in order to cover my nakedness in the eyes of The Father. 

„This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.” (John 3:19-21)

If someone thinks that he or she is more illuminated than me, congratulations! But know that a sign that you are in The Light is that you’re blind to everyone's else nakedness. It’s like being on a stage and all the stage lights are on you - you can’t see beyond the stage. You only see the light.

I pray that everyone that reads this message will have the courage and the strength to stay in The Light no matter how many are those that point their fingers at you. 

Maybe this wasn’t the most inspired post for a comeback on blogger, but there you have it. 

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Thursday, 31 July 2014


I’ve been sick for a couple of weeks now so I had a lot of time on my hands therefore I’ve been reading a lot of articles on the war in Gaza, and although I am and always will be supporting Israel, I didn’t pretend that the children in Gaza and the innocent civilians do not suffer and die in horrible ways, but I will not write about who’s right or wrong because I know that I can’t be objective due to my loyalty towards Israel, so I am not qualified to pass judgment one way or another.
I also read a lot about what ISIS is doing to Christians in Iraq and the civil war in Syria. In North Korea the government is starving its own people. In Somalia there’s a civil war. There’s war in Afghanistan, Nigeria, North-West of Pakistan, Sudan, Ukraine, Iran, Burma, Yemen, and violence in many, many other countries.
I’ve watched many videos of people being murdered for no good reason, starved for no good reason, tortured and humiliated, sold or raped or forced to steal and act like animals for a piece of bread or a little water. Somebody asked me “can’t you watch something fun, like a movie or something, are you a masochist? Do you enjoy seeing all that suffering?” I had to take a deep breath. No, I do NOT enjoy watching other people’s pain, contrary to what some might think or say about me. I think that if other people have to suffer like that, the least I can do is watch so that I don’t delude myself into thinking that just because it doesn’t happen near me, it doesn’t exist.
 I know it would be so much easier to pretend that I live in a world where the biggest problem we have is depression because we’re way too self-absorbed to think about anyone else. I know it would be easy to pretend that my greatest goal is to get the newest smart-phone or to visit some exotic place. I know it would be easier to think about saving the planet and the global warming. It would be so easy to fear only other people’s opinions about me and worry about being bored. It would be so easy to convince myself that showing mercy towards animals is more humane than showing kindness to a human being. It would be so much easier to believe in evolution because THEN it would make sense that we act like animals and kill each other like crazy. I know it would be easier. Trust me, I KNOW! So you can call me stupid, because despite knowing, I chose the hard way and not close my eyes to all that is going on in the world.
I’ve watched one video of 1,500 people being executed by ISIS in Iraq and most of them were teens. The executioners became bored at some point and were killing just for sports and a fellow Christian wrote below the video ‘oh, that’s terrible! Were they Christian?’ DOES IT MATTER?!! I know it’s quite inspiring to know that people die as martyrs for Jesus, but isn’t it worse that people die for no good reason, for no noble cause? One of them might have been a doctor given a chance. One of them might have wanted to be the first man to set foot on Mars or discover some new spices of plants that no one cares about. One of them might have been the world’s greatest dad. One of them might have been in love, and all of them I’m sure left a hole in someone’s world.
Believe me, I’m not making a speech for some international contest and I’m not naïve enough to ask for world peace, I don’t even know why I’m writing this because no one will read it and go ‘gee golly, I never thought of that’. You’ll probably see my words as the longest thing you’ve read in ages and won’t bother or dismiss them as the ramblings of a fool. It would be easier not to write, but we’ve already established that I don’t know how to take the easy way.

Even though it would be so much easier to believe in evolution, I don’t. I believe in The Almighty God that created us all in His image and gave us a mind to reason with and look at another human being and think “goodness me! That’s one manifestation of God I never would have known about unless I would have looked, really looked, at this man/woman/child/old man, made in His image” and be in awe over that discovery. Yes, that ugly neighbor that I hate is made in God’s image just like the new born baby that I ooh and aah about. That man that chose to point a gun and take another person’s life is made in God’s image just like the one taking the bullet. What are we doing to ourselves?!

Rabbi Chaim of Sanz said: “The flame of God burned within me when I was young: I believed that I would turn the whole world to good. As I grew older, my enthusiasm waned, and I said: ‘I see that I will not be able to fix the entire world, so I will try to improve the people of my own town.’ Years passed, and I realized that I have bitten off more than I could chew. I then decided it would be enough to better my own family. Now that I am old, I no longer dream. My only prayer is that I should improve myself.”

 I am not young enough to believe that I can change the world, but maybe if I better myself, if I try to look at all sides of everything, if I work hard enough at loving people and helping them, if I train my eyes to look at every living human being as being a unique manifestation of God’s image and treat them as such, maybe then the world will be a better place. Not a perfect one, because I know it can’t, but maybe better than it is.

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

I have a name not just a nickname

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” Romans 8:17, NIV

Today I was complaining to Adonai about certain situations which appear unjust to me. I was telling Him how I would like for Him to intervene and do something about it. After finishing reciting my long list of unjust things, I expected to feel better but Adonai brought to my mind the verse above and He also reminded me of the story of Cinderella, to remind me of who I am (I know it sounds ridiculous, but bear with me!)
Cinderella was not initially born to spend her time in the ashes as she is now known by her name. She was born in her father’s house and her father was a rich man. She was the only heiress, but when her father passed away, her step-mother and her step-sisters began to treat her like a servant and Cinderella adjusted to the role perfectly. Slowly she forgot that she is the daughter of the owner of the house and she began to serve a bunch of impostors. She ended up sleeping in the ashes by the fire and eat when others took pity on her. The story has a happy ending, but that is not because Cinderella came to her senses, far from it! This girl accepted all the lies and the demands of evil people and executed what she was told to do. Not even once did she stop to question or try to understand; where she was sat, that’s where she stayed. A fairy godmother had to come and dress her and transform her, but that transformation was not a real one, and therefore in the morning Cinderella was back in the ashes. Almost against her will she was found by the prince and saved from her miserable situation. All these could have been sorted out easily if only Cinderella had come to her senses and said: “My name is not Cinderella! I have a name which my father gave me and this house belongs to my father! I am the rightful heiress!” She could have taken charge and kick out those who hated her, but she preferred to bow her head and as such in this instance her sufferings do not bring her any honor.
Many times I am exactly the same. I forget that my Father is The Master of all the seen and the unseen. I forget that my Father gave me a new name and I was not born to lay humbly in the ashes. I forget that I do not have to obey the lies and demands of the impostor who thinks himself master. I forget that any minute I can exercise my right as an heiress. I take circumstances and things as they come and forget to ask myself if they are my duty as a daughter or if they are only things demanded of me by those who see nothing but a servant in me. I am waiting for “fairy godmothers” to come and transform me into a princess and I act as if I have never been to the King’s Court. I have moments of brilliance when I pretend that this time I believe that I belong to the King’s Court, but my “spell” does not last too long and I wake up back in the ashes. I stay where the enemy sits me, and I remain there forgetting that his place is under my feet. Some things don’t change for the better not because Adonai refuses to fix the situations, but because I forget to exercise my right as an heiress. As oppose to Cinderella though my Father is alive and His kindness does not allow me to act as a servant for too long. He gives me moments when I become lucid, come to my senses and start acting as The King’s daughter that I am. Thank You, Adonai!

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

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Thank you, Emanuela Robinson for translating this article for me!

Monday, 19 August 2013

I am loved

Ever since I believed in Adonai and His beloved Son Yeshua; ever since I began following after Him… ever since I fell for the first time and tried to get back up –I never stopped asking Him: ‘was it worth it? Your life for mine –was it really worth it? The moment You traded Your life for mine, You got stuck with me… and now you actually get to see just how ungrateful I am… do You still think this is really all worth it? Are those scars that mark You for all eternity for my sake, really worth it?’  
I wouldn’t consider asking Him these questions when I praise Him, or when I am in my ‘super-spiritual mode’ because I have a pretty good opinion about myself then, but when I find myself flat on my face after yet another fall, or when I catch myself feeling better than  another believer that means the world to Him, or when I dwell in pride thinking I am so great and taking credit for something that I would have never been able to do in the first place were it not for Him… when I actually comprehend my own sinful condition, I can’t help but ask Him those questions.
Knowing from the beginning that I’d be like this, He still went willingly to His death. Knowing that my ‘good deeds’ that I often think of as great sacrifices for His sake will bring Him little comfort, He still sacrificed it all. Knowing that my love will never measure up to His, He still loved me all the way. And knowing that my scars are mostly self inflicted and are there to remind Him only that I loved another more than Him, He still allowed it to be scarred for all eternity for me.
He didn’t have to endure just death for my sake. No. He actually gets to suffer all my selfishness with which I pursue my dreams. He gets to see all my ungratefulness whenever I look at what He’s doing and deem it lacking. I force Him to defend His beloved ones against me. I cause His tears every chance I get and never stop to wipe them away. I cry my eyes out that I love Him and yet I fail to show it when it counts. I break His heart at every turn and don’t even stop to ask if it’s hurting. I am so not worth it!
He’s in an abusive relationship with me, yet He doesn’t seek to free Himself from me. I abuse His love and His forgiveness and His understanding and His grace and act like He’ll be fine, but when God forbid, things don’t go my way I act as if I am the one abused or hurt and expect Him to redeem every tear I cry and every ounce of pain I feel.
When Christians talk about the GOOD NEWS of the Gospel, they present it as a relationship, but more often than not, it’s me praying enough or singing enough or doing enough so that He will do what I want Him to do. If I’d have that sort of relationship with anyone else, I’d cut whatever tied me to that person and run as fast as my legs can carry me. Yet somehow, I think that He should be happy in this pathetic excuse of a relationship that I offer and He never complains. He always rises from the ashes and all I do is make Him burn.
When I was younger and thought I knew better, I use to tell people about how much I loved Him and tried to inspire others to love Him the same way. Now that I am a little older and realize I know close to nothing, I can only tell people of how much He loves me and hope they get to realize how loved they are as well.
I know I am loved beyond all reason even if Adonai has tested all my beautiful words and all my carefully spoken declarations. He allowed me to go up to the heavens to see He’s there. He allowed me to make my bed in the depths and left me lingering there for as long as I wanted just to see He’s there as well. He allowed me to hide myself in the darkness thinking that it will hide me from Him, but His light has reached me even there. I’ve been back and forth, up and down only to see at the end of it all, that He’s still there. He made me stand on my own feet when all I wanted to do was fall to my knees. He made it His mission to unlock the potential within me. He lifted my head when all I wanted was to bow it. He lifted my hands towards the havens while they were still broken. He taught me how to smile my joy and how to hurt through my pain. He strengthened my very core so that I could withstand any enemy. He doesn’t know how to love but with everything He’s got and that’s how He loves me. 
A few weeks back I heard someone saying in a most passionate manner ‘I love God and there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for Him!’ I only smiled and so I was asked ‘don’t you?’ I kept silent and the believer kept talking as to convince me that if we love God we should declare that love so that people will know. I saw a younger version of myself in that person and so I said ‘I hope that you will always feel that way even after He is done testing all those beautiful words but mostly I pray that when He’s done with you, you’ll know not how much you love Him, but how much He loves you!’
That’s what I pray for all those that will read this article. That at the end of whatever it is you’re going through you will as Paul said “have the power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ”.

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

 my book 'The King's daughter' here.