Monday, 26 September 2016

I am not sad

This is a quote from 'Everything is Illuminated' by Jonathan Safran Foer:

“He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the mid-afternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.
Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

Don't read too much into this. I am fine :)

Thursday, 7 January 2016

In The Light

After ignoring my blog for quite some time I decided to write a post. 

For those that kept asking me questions regarding my blog: Yes, I am still alive! No, I haven’t lost myself along the way. Yes, I still write even if not online. Yes, I will continue writing on my blog, even if it won’t be as often as I would like. Moving on...

Last night I had a dream where I was standing in front of a group of people and I was singing Kumi Ori (Arise, shine). Someone from the crowd asked, „what do these words mean?” and I quoted “Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you.” (Isaiah 60:1-2)

When I woke up I started thinking. I don’t know about others but I for one don’t feel like I shine too much. There are people close to me that don’t need to be asked twice before they’ll tell you everything they see wrong about my light. Many times even I give myself headaches with how my light switches on and off worse than a cheap Christmas tree light. And I would love to be constant, to be this super-human that every time she opens her mouth only wisdom and spiritual words come forth. The sort of person that starting with facial expressions or gestures and ending with actions does only good and wonderful deeds and seems really „zen”, but unfortunately Asian philosophy and I never got along. 

People have this image in their mind of what one that calls himself a „follower of Yeshua” should look like and if you can’t reach that standard they label you as „fake” and you end up labeling yourself as such as well. Thus some people begin trying to overcompensate for that unworthy feeling by acting over-spiritual, which at its best looks plain ridiculous and at its worst ends up judging others that either haven’t learned to fake it as good as them or simply don’t want to. 

Beloved, I am not Light. I only testify about The Light. The true Light that gives light to everyone coming into the world. (John 1:9) If you look at me and expect me to shine just like The Light, I will let you down. Only He is good – at best I can imitate His goodness and even that sometimes falls short of expectations. Only He is perfect – at best I can desire to be clean. Only His thoughts are good, mine are often envious, critical or just plain mean. And it’s easy for me to be mean because I don’t have to fight to edit anything about myself. It’s really not easy to transform myself in His image. And try as I might, I inevitably end up leaking meanness. But I keep fighting to transform myself and look less like me and more like Him. So if you see me sometimes defeated by my own nature and that makes you feel all good about yourself and you end up thinking, „see, she’s no better!” – you have a big Like from me and I offer you my congratulations on the outstanding sharp eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret: I am no better! I am a sinner that Adonai took pity on and have opened my eyes to see His goodness and in His light I see The Light. (Ps 36:9)

If I stand in The Light and I say that about myself, it doesn’t mean that I believe myself to be above others. It only means that I have placed myself in the most vulnerable place of all. In order to have Him, I made myself visible, for all to see and inspect. In order to be in The Light’s range you have to become vulnerable, because even the smallest imperfection becomes obvious to everyone that cares to look. I am not standing in The Light due to me feeling superior to others, but because I’m simply like a moth that is attracted to Light without caring how hideous it appears in The Light. 

I am like Adam that understood he was naked, but instead of hiding, I shamelessly stand in The Light because I don’t stand through my own excellence but through The One that died for me in order to cover my nakedness in the eyes of The Father. 

„This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.” (John 3:19-21)

If someone thinks that he or she is more illuminated than me, congratulations! But know that a sign that you are in The Light is that you’re blind to everyone's else nakedness. It’s like being on a stage and all the stage lights are on you - you can’t see beyond the stage. You only see the light.

I pray that everyone that reads this message will have the courage and the strength to stay in The Light no matter how many are those that point their fingers at you. 

Maybe this wasn’t the most inspired post for a comeback on blogger, but there you have it. 

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Thursday, 31 July 2014


I’ve been sick for a couple of weeks now so I had a lot of time on my hands therefore I’ve been reading a lot of articles on the war in Gaza, and although I am and always will be supporting Israel, I didn’t pretend that the children in Gaza and the innocent civilians do not suffer and die in horrible ways, but I will not write about who’s right or wrong because I know that I can’t be objective due to my loyalty towards Israel, so I am not qualified to pass judgment one way or another.
I also read a lot about what ISIS is doing to Christians in Iraq and the civil war in Syria. In North Korea the government is starving its own people. In Somalia there’s a civil war. There’s war in Afghanistan, Nigeria, North-West of Pakistan, Sudan, Ukraine, Iran, Burma, Yemen, and violence in many, many other countries.
I’ve watched many videos of people being murdered for no good reason, starved for no good reason, tortured and humiliated, sold or raped or forced to steal and act like animals for a piece of bread or a little water. Somebody asked me “can’t you watch something fun, like a movie or something, are you a masochist? Do you enjoy seeing all that suffering?” I had to take a deep breath. No, I do NOT enjoy watching other people’s pain, contrary to what some might think or say about me. I think that if other people have to suffer like that, the least I can do is watch so that I don’t delude myself into thinking that just because it doesn’t happen near me, it doesn’t exist.
 I know it would be so much easier to pretend that I live in a world where the biggest problem we have is depression because we’re way too self-absorbed to think about anyone else. I know it would be easy to pretend that my greatest goal is to get the newest smart-phone or to visit some exotic place. I know it would be easier to think about saving the planet and the global warming. It would be so easy to fear only other people’s opinions about me and worry about being bored. It would be so easy to convince myself that showing mercy towards animals is more humane than showing kindness to a human being. It would be so much easier to believe in evolution because THEN it would make sense that we act like animals and kill each other like crazy. I know it would be easier. Trust me, I KNOW! So you can call me stupid, because despite knowing, I chose the hard way and not close my eyes to all that is going on in the world.
I’ve watched one video of 1,500 people being executed by ISIS in Iraq and most of them were teens. The executioners became bored at some point and were killing just for sports and a fellow Christian wrote below the video ‘oh, that’s terrible! Were they Christian?’ DOES IT MATTER?!! I know it’s quite inspiring to know that people die as martyrs for Jesus, but isn’t it worse that people die for no good reason, for no noble cause? One of them might have been a doctor given a chance. One of them might have wanted to be the first man to set foot on Mars or discover some new spices of plants that no one cares about. One of them might have been the world’s greatest dad. One of them might have been in love, and all of them I’m sure left a hole in someone’s world.
Believe me, I’m not making a speech for some international contest and I’m not naïve enough to ask for world peace, I don’t even know why I’m writing this because no one will read it and go ‘gee golly, I never thought of that’. You’ll probably see my words as the longest thing you’ve read in ages and won’t bother or dismiss them as the ramblings of a fool. It would be easier not to write, but we’ve already established that I don’t know how to take the easy way.

Even though it would be so much easier to believe in evolution, I don’t. I believe in The Almighty God that created us all in His image and gave us a mind to reason with and look at another human being and think “goodness me! That’s one manifestation of God I never would have known about unless I would have looked, really looked, at this man/woman/child/old man, made in His image” and be in awe over that discovery. Yes, that ugly neighbor that I hate is made in God’s image just like the new born baby that I ooh and aah about. That man that chose to point a gun and take another person’s life is made in God’s image just like the one taking the bullet. What are we doing to ourselves?!

Rabbi Chaim of Sanz said: “The flame of God burned within me when I was young: I believed that I would turn the whole world to good. As I grew older, my enthusiasm waned, and I said: ‘I see that I will not be able to fix the entire world, so I will try to improve the people of my own town.’ Years passed, and I realized that I have bitten off more than I could chew. I then decided it would be enough to better my own family. Now that I am old, I no longer dream. My only prayer is that I should improve myself.”

 I am not young enough to believe that I can change the world, but maybe if I better myself, if I try to look at all sides of everything, if I work hard enough at loving people and helping them, if I train my eyes to look at every living human being as being a unique manifestation of God’s image and treat them as such, maybe then the world will be a better place. Not a perfect one, because I know it can’t, but maybe better than it is.

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

I have a name not just a nickname

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” Romans 8:17, NIV

Today I was complaining to Adonai about certain situations which appear unjust to me. I was telling Him how I would like for Him to intervene and do something about it. After finishing reciting my long list of unjust things, I expected to feel better but Adonai brought to my mind the verse above and He also reminded me of the story of Cinderella, to remind me of who I am (I know it sounds ridiculous, but bear with me!)
Cinderella was not initially born to spend her time in the ashes as she is now known by her name. She was born in her father’s house and her father was a rich man. She was the only heiress, but when her father passed away, her step-mother and her step-sisters began to treat her like a servant and Cinderella adjusted to the role perfectly. Slowly she forgot that she is the daughter of the owner of the house and she began to serve a bunch of impostors. She ended up sleeping in the ashes by the fire and eat when others took pity on her. The story has a happy ending, but that is not because Cinderella came to her senses, far from it! This girl accepted all the lies and the demands of evil people and executed what she was told to do. Not even once did she stop to question or try to understand; where she was sat, that’s where she stayed. A fairy godmother had to come and dress her and transform her, but that transformation was not a real one, and therefore in the morning Cinderella was back in the ashes. Almost against her will she was found by the prince and saved from her miserable situation. All these could have been sorted out easily if only Cinderella had come to her senses and said: “My name is not Cinderella! I have a name which my father gave me and this house belongs to my father! I am the rightful heiress!” She could have taken charge and kick out those who hated her, but she preferred to bow her head and as such in this instance her sufferings do not bring her any honor.
Many times I am exactly the same. I forget that my Father is The Master of all the seen and the unseen. I forget that my Father gave me a new name and I was not born to lay humbly in the ashes. I forget that I do not have to obey the lies and demands of the impostor who thinks himself master. I forget that any minute I can exercise my right as an heiress. I take circumstances and things as they come and forget to ask myself if they are my duty as a daughter or if they are only things demanded of me by those who see nothing but a servant in me. I am waiting for “fairy godmothers” to come and transform me into a princess and I act as if I have never been to the King’s Court. I have moments of brilliance when I pretend that this time I believe that I belong to the King’s Court, but my “spell” does not last too long and I wake up back in the ashes. I stay where the enemy sits me, and I remain there forgetting that his place is under my feet. Some things don’t change for the better not because Adonai refuses to fix the situations, but because I forget to exercise my right as an heiress. As oppose to Cinderella though my Father is alive and His kindness does not allow me to act as a servant for too long. He gives me moments when I become lucid, come to my senses and start acting as The King’s daughter that I am. Thank You, Adonai!

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

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Thank you, Emanuela Robinson for translating this article for me!

Monday, 19 August 2013

I am loved

Ever since I believed in Adonai and His beloved Son Yeshua; ever since I began following after Him… ever since I fell for the first time and tried to get back up –I never stopped asking Him: ‘was it worth it? Your life for mine –was it really worth it? The moment You traded Your life for mine, You got stuck with me… and now you actually get to see just how ungrateful I am… do You still think this is really all worth it? Are those scars that mark You for all eternity for my sake, really worth it?’  
I wouldn’t consider asking Him these questions when I praise Him, or when I am in my ‘super-spiritual mode’ because I have a pretty good opinion about myself then, but when I find myself flat on my face after yet another fall, or when I catch myself feeling better than  another believer that means the world to Him, or when I dwell in pride thinking I am so great and taking credit for something that I would have never been able to do in the first place were it not for Him… when I actually comprehend my own sinful condition, I can’t help but ask Him those questions.
Knowing from the beginning that I’d be like this, He still went willingly to His death. Knowing that my ‘good deeds’ that I often think of as great sacrifices for His sake will bring Him little comfort, He still sacrificed it all. Knowing that my love will never measure up to His, He still loved me all the way. And knowing that my scars are mostly self inflicted and are there to remind Him only that I loved another more than Him, He still allowed it to be scarred for all eternity for me.
He didn’t have to endure just death for my sake. No. He actually gets to suffer all my selfishness with which I pursue my dreams. He gets to see all my ungratefulness whenever I look at what He’s doing and deem it lacking. I force Him to defend His beloved ones against me. I cause His tears every chance I get and never stop to wipe them away. I cry my eyes out that I love Him and yet I fail to show it when it counts. I break His heart at every turn and don’t even stop to ask if it’s hurting. I am so not worth it!
He’s in an abusive relationship with me, yet He doesn’t seek to free Himself from me. I abuse His love and His forgiveness and His understanding and His grace and act like He’ll be fine, but when God forbid, things don’t go my way I act as if I am the one abused or hurt and expect Him to redeem every tear I cry and every ounce of pain I feel.
When Christians talk about the GOOD NEWS of the Gospel, they present it as a relationship, but more often than not, it’s me praying enough or singing enough or doing enough so that He will do what I want Him to do. If I’d have that sort of relationship with anyone else, I’d cut whatever tied me to that person and run as fast as my legs can carry me. Yet somehow, I think that He should be happy in this pathetic excuse of a relationship that I offer and He never complains. He always rises from the ashes and all I do is make Him burn.
When I was younger and thought I knew better, I use to tell people about how much I loved Him and tried to inspire others to love Him the same way. Now that I am a little older and realize I know close to nothing, I can only tell people of how much He loves me and hope they get to realize how loved they are as well.
I know I am loved beyond all reason even if Adonai has tested all my beautiful words and all my carefully spoken declarations. He allowed me to go up to the heavens to see He’s there. He allowed me to make my bed in the depths and left me lingering there for as long as I wanted just to see He’s there as well. He allowed me to hide myself in the darkness thinking that it will hide me from Him, but His light has reached me even there. I’ve been back and forth, up and down only to see at the end of it all, that He’s still there. He made me stand on my own feet when all I wanted to do was fall to my knees. He made it His mission to unlock the potential within me. He lifted my head when all I wanted was to bow it. He lifted my hands towards the havens while they were still broken. He taught me how to smile my joy and how to hurt through my pain. He strengthened my very core so that I could withstand any enemy. He doesn’t know how to love but with everything He’s got and that’s how He loves me. 
A few weeks back I heard someone saying in a most passionate manner ‘I love God and there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for Him!’ I only smiled and so I was asked ‘don’t you?’ I kept silent and the believer kept talking as to convince me that if we love God we should declare that love so that people will know. I saw a younger version of myself in that person and so I said ‘I hope that you will always feel that way even after He is done testing all those beautiful words but mostly I pray that when He’s done with you, you’ll know not how much you love Him, but how much He loves you!’
That’s what I pray for all those that will read this article. That at the end of whatever it is you’re going through you will as Paul said “have the power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ”.

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

 my book 'The King's daughter' here.

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

wise words...

I read these words in Maya Angelou's book 'Letter to my daughter' and thought to share it:

"There have been people in my life who meant me well, taught me valuable lessons, and others who have meant me ill and, have given me ample notification that my world is not meant to be all peaches and cream. 
I have made many mistakes and no doubt will make more before I die. When I have seen pain, when I have found that my ineptness has caused displeasure, I have learned to accept my responsibility and to forgive myself first, then to apologize to anyone injured by my misreckoning. Since I cannot un-live history, and repentance is all I can offer God, I have hopes that my sincere apologies were accepted. 
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. 
Try to be a rainbow in someone’s cloud. Do not complain. Make every effort to change things you do not like. If you cannot make a change, change the way you have been thinking. You might find a new solution. 
Never whine. Whining lets a brute know that a victim is in the neighborhood. 
Be certain that you do not die without having done something wonderful for humanity."

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Thursday, 6 December 2012

The Dreams Giver

"They said to one another, "Here comes this dreamer. Come now, let us kill him and throw him into one of the pits. Then we will say that a fierce animal has devoured him, and we will see what will become of his dreams.”- Bereshit / Genesis 37:19-20

It all begins with a dream that Adonai gives you. A dream too daring and too arrogant for anyone that might hear about it. Every time people hear you talking about it, whether they say it to you or not, they all think "Is he (she) to reign over us? Is he (she) to rule over us? To lead US? Doesn't he know he's 50 years too early for that?" But you can't help it. You had a dream and whether it sounds too daring or too arrogant or too impossible, worthy of rebuke by the spiritual leaders even, you can't help it. You didn't chose your dream. Adonai has implanted it deep in your heart and you can't get it out anymore no matter how much effort you focus into the process. Due to the excitement caused by the dream you start telling others about it and they're not blind, they see the reality of the moment and that there is no chance on Earth for something like that to happen so they begin to see you either too proud or too ridiculous for thinking that among all the people more able than you to accomplish anything, Adonai chose you, etc. 
When Yosef had his dream, he was 17 years old. He was immature, weak and a tattletale, but with a burning desire to do his father's will, so when his father sends him to his brothers, Yosef is ready to go without knowing he wasn't ready at all.
More often than not, when you receive the dream you truly believe you're perfect the way you are otherwise why would God chose you, but nothing prepares you for the next step: to be unclothed of your shine and thrown into a pit to die. When that happens, there is a conflict within you. "This is not happening to me! I just received a dream from Adonai!" They take you out of the pit and sell you off as a slave to those 'inferior' to you and as you walk behind a camel through the desert you keep mumbling "This can't be true! I was suppose to be a leader! I was suppose to rule not to be ruled! I was suppose to receive honor not humility!" And you do that until you get tired of mumbling and you start believing that those that mocked your dream were right: your dream is ridiculous! You start knowing for a fact that the road you're on leads exactly in the opposite direction from your dream.
Disappointment makes you humble, which trust me: it's good for you. And as you begin to see your condition you continue to grow and the more you grow you understand that you're still not ready and that you'll never be ready. But the fulfillment of the dream had never had anything to do with you being ready or not, it has to do only with the One that gave it to you. Adonai couldn't do anything with you as long as you thought you were ready, but once you understand your condition then you can see that He doesn't need your help to fulfill your dream. Adonai did amazing things with people that were not ready, like Moshe (Moses) that kept begging Adonai to chose someone else.
When you receive a dream your enemy starts dreaming also no matter how much of a realist he thinks he is. And he will dream of killing your dream. What he doesn't know is that his plan to kill your dream is the exact tool that Adonai will use to fulfill your dream.
Hasatan (satan) is horrified not by your dream but by The One who gave it to you. He hates The Dreams Giver and in consequence he hates the dreams He gives. The enemy cannot destroy The Dreams Giver so he will try to destroy you by throwing you into a pit thinking to himself "now let's see what will become of his(her) dreams!" What he isn't able to see is that Adonai laughs and says "Thank you! The pit is exactly where he(she) was suppose to end up! This was exactly the next step towards the dream!"
I'm not talking about dreams like having a certain car or becoming a billionaire, but dreams that Adonai gives, the sort of dreams that He fulfills even if it looks like He failed.
It might be a really long line of failures and every time you'll feel that you've never been so low, you'll find out that there is lower than low and you'll get there too. Maybe you even start taking it personally and assume that Adonai has something against you or that He's set out to destroy you, but actually He had brought you exactly where you need to be in order to see your dream fulfilled.
 Wherever you find yourself, don't lose your hope. If you've just received your dream, then come down to earth and brace yourself because you're about to be thrown in to a pit. If you're in the pit, wait for the caravan. If you're in Potiphar's house, relax because you won't be there forever and you can get worse than that. If you're in prison, don't lose your smile and keep supporting other people's dreams because they will remember you when the time is right. If they just called you to interpret Pharaoh's dreams, smile because this is just the beginning. And just as a small reminder: when you do get to see your dream fulfilled and your brothers come to bow before you, remember that you have to show them the kind of kindness worthy of the position God placed you in.

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Monday, 3 December 2012

Tehillim 27

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Moth or butterfly?

The Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.- Philippians 3:21

For some time now, I've been thinking about caterpillars and the way they become butterflies, about the whole transformation process and I've looked at their metamorphosis with hope because it reminded me of my own metamorphosis. What I did not know (frankly because I didn't care) was that not all caterpillars turn into butterflies, although they all go through metamorphosis. Some caterpillars become moths.
Moths unlike butterflies, fly at night because they can't stand natural light, though oddly enough they are attracted to artificial light. Moths, just like the butterflies, have wings, but their appearance is a hideous one and often their mere presence (no matter their species) brings disgust and creates damage wherever they are.
Only a true connoisseur can make the difference between a caterpillar that will turn into a butterfly and one that will turn into a moth. For someone that doesn't know the difference, all caterpillars are the same. They crawl the same way, they destroy leaves the same way, they are disgusting alike, and go through the same metamorphosis. The difference is obvious only after transformation, when you don't have to be a genius to know that one is a butterfly and the other is a moth, that one is beautiful and the other one hideous, that one flies during the day and the other during the night.

It's true that we are all humans, forced to live in the same world, carrying within us the same sinful nature ready to crawl in the dirt and cause damage around. It's true that often times it's hard for one that doesn't know better to see the difference between a believer and an unbeliever and that fact has convinced many that it's ok to go on living the same way they always had. But to The One whom knows all thing, including what hides in our lowly appearance, it's obvious what we can become. What makes the difference is our reaction to the metamorphosis, which in this case is an encounter with Yeshua. The moment you meet Him you reveal your true nature. He does not reject anyone. Us rejecting Him, turns us into moths. Until someone encounters Him, he is like the caterpillar that carries within the potential to either become a butterfly or a moth, but the moment you see Him face to Face and you look Him in the eyes and you see His love and still choose to turn your back to Him, nothing else can change your moth nature. You will thus be condemned by your own nature to live in an eternal night where you'll be under the impression that you love light, because you're a good person that does this and that, but your light will be an artificial light that only imitates True Light. That moment will reveal your true nature and no matter how much you'll hate butterflies and everything they stand for, it will be only because you'll understand that even the most insignificant and least beautiful one of them is infinitely greater than the greatest in your own species.
It is not my nature that makes me special. My nature is a lowly one, an insignificant and hideous one. I see in me a natural desire towards evil and I find it extremely hard to submit my own flesh, still, I know, that I know that I know that Eternity has looked me in the eyes and I can't stop wanting to fly and to be in The Light ever since. It's weird and unnatural to me to believe when I see that it takes me days to get from one leaf to the next, that one day I'll have wings and it will take me seconds to fly from one leaf to another. It's hard for me to imagine that this disgusting appearance will be clothed in beauty one day and that my dead carcass will one day be swallowed by Life, but I know it will be so! HaMashiach within me is the hope of glory! My hope does not rest in the fact that I can overcome my nature if I meditate enough or stuff like that. My hope for glory is that He, the embodied Eternity , lives within me.
He has the power that enables Him to subject all things to Himself, including my flesh and everything that I am. By choosing Him I gave him the right to use any means at His disposal in order to transform me and make me submit to Him alone.

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

I love my Master

"Knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot." 1 Peter 1:18-19

"When you buy a Hebrew slave, he shall serve six years, and in the seventh he shall go out free, for nothing.If he comes in single, he shall go out single; if he comes in married, then his wife shall go out with him. If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the wife and her children shall be her master's, and he shall go out alone. But if the slave plainly says, 'I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free, then his master shall bring him to God, and he shall bring him to the door or the doorpost. And his master shall bore his ear through with an awl, and he shall be his slave forever". - Shemot/Exod 21:2-6

I never belonged to me. I had always belonged to Adonai but through sin I ended up under the punishment of The Law that He gave. But He couldn't stand the thought of being forever separated from what was His, so He redeemed me, paying for my transgression. He willingly accepted to be punished in my place in order to fulfill The Law to whom He remained faithful because He does not go back on His word. 
He did not redeem me from satan for I was never sold to him in the first place, plus Adonai does not make trades with him. The evil one was always merely an accuser and the limit of what he could do was to go before Adonai with his finger pointing at my sin and demanding for The Law to take it's course in my case. He took advantage of the fact that Adonai decrees and that decree stands just like Haman did when he was plotting to exterminate the Jews. He knew that once the king of Persia would give a decree, not even the king could change it if he should change his mind (Esther 8:8) so he manipulated things in order for the Jews to be attacked all over the empire, knowing full well that the decree cannot be revoked so when Haman was killed, the king could only give another decree that allowed the Jews to defend themselves when being attacked. If a decree issued by a human king had this kind of power, Adonai's decrees and edicts have eternal power.
Because of my transgression of Adonai's Law I ended up under the punishment of that Law, a punishment that He suffered in my place, because He loved me until the very end.
The word huge does not describe the price that was payed for my eternal life. I've been redeemed with the precious blood of The perfect Lamb, with the blood of The One in whom Adonai is well pleased. There is no hyperbola meaningful enough in my limited vocabulary able to describe the measure that was used to weight for my eternal life.
He redeemed me and from slave of sin He turned me into a slave of righteousness. But I didn't enjoy that status right from the beginning. I used to think that if He redeemed me I am free from everything... including from Him. I always looked for a way to free myself from Him and His Law, because they use to preach to me that I am free and all I could see was that He's always more demanding. Many times I considered His commandments a burden and it took me years to come to accept my condition as a slave and to learn how to obey my Master. There had been many times when I dreamt of the cucumbers I left behind like the Jews that came out of Mitzrayim and I was always under the impression that if I wouldn't be held back by this Covenant, nothing would ever stand in my way. There had been many times when He was forced to tie my ankle so I won't be able to run away from Him. There had been many times when He had to crush the rebellion I carried in my heart ever since I was far from Him. However, I don't know how or when exactly, I came to realize I can't leave anymore. It wasn't because I turned into a masochist or because I suddenly loved slavery because I still carry the seed of rebellion in my heart even today, but I couldn't leave because I fell in love. I don't know how other people do it, but I wasn't able to love Adonai from the very beginning. Yes, I felt gratitude towards Him because He forgave my sins, but I always felt like I need to stay by His side because there's a lot I need to pay for. Don't get me wrong, I did have meaningless emotions that made me cry out "I love You Lord!" but I wasn't able to back up my words with my actions. But in time and like I said, I don't know when exactly, after observing the way He loved me no matter what, I fell in love with my Master. You see, while I despised my slavery I used to think that if at some point He would say to me "you are free to leave" I would run so fast that no one would ever catch up with me anymore and I won't ever look back not even for a second, but a strange thing happened when He opened the door and told me "you are free to even free yourself from Me"... I couldn't even look at what was beyond that door because by that time I wanted to remain by His side forever and serve Him even as a slave. I had told Him "I love You my Master, and I never want to be free from You!" and He took my word for it so He pierced my ear so that everyone would know that I serve Him forever.
Even though He was a Son, Yeshua became a servant and He said "The Lord GOD has opened my ear, and I was not rebellious; I turned not backward." (Yeshayahu/ Isaiah 50:5)
After I gave my ear to be pierced so I would listen to His voice forever, even though I was a slave He turned me in to a daughter and today He tells me just like He told His talmidim (disciples) "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you." (Yochanan/John 15:15)


Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה

Saturday, 27 October 2012


"And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." - Hebrews 11:6

It is not enough to believe that Adonai exists. A god's simple existence doesn't help me in any way and I doubt it that Adonai has anything to gain from my mere belief in His existence. 
If I go a bit further and I profess to believe that Adonai is exactly as The Scriptures say He is but I fail to believe that He is that way for me, my faith means nothing. How does it benefit me  to have a God that has eyes but cannot see me? What use is it to have a God that has a mouth but says nothing to me? Does it help me in any way to know that He's a father if He doesn't know my name? What use is it to me a God that has ears but fails to hear me crying? What use is it to me a God that has a heart if I have no room in it? What use is it to me His mere existence if I seek Him but cannot find Him?
If I profess to have faith, then I must believe not only in His existence but also that HE REWARDS THOSE WHO SEEK HIM. Believing in His mere existence means nothing.
It isn't hard to believe that He exists even if you can't see Him... what is really hard to believe is that from 7 billion people that cry out to Him or against Him, He recognizes your voice and that sound moves Him so much so that He answers you right away regardless of how long it would take for His answer to reach you.
If I believe that He only exists I reduce Him to the same status as an idol. "They have mouths, but do not speak; eyes, but do not see. They have ears, but do not hear; noses, but do not smell. They have hands, but do not feel; feet, but do not walk; and they do not make a sound in their throat." (Tehillim/ Psalms 115:5-7)
Adonai is alive! His ears are not just accessories. He can hear my voice whether I call out to Him or if I just whisper His Name and before I even finish what I have to say He already sends me help! If He created whales that can hear sounds from Hawaii to Japan, then I know for sure His ears can hear my voice even if the sound of my prayers would have to travel through a billion worlds and spaces to reach Him.
If He created sharks that can sense the smell of blood from more than a mile away, then I know for a fact that He whom is closer to me than my own skin, can sense when I suffer or I am in pain. I have to give Him at least the same amount of credit I would give one of His creatures.
Adonai's hands are not the hands of a statue. His hands have formed me in my mother's womb, His hands cover me as a shield, His hands sustain me, touch me and help me!
His feet ... His feet are ready to run from one end of the heavens to the other just to find me. His feet walk before me on this road that I couldn't have followed otherwise.
Everything He is, He is for me! Everything He does is for my sake! He locked me away in His heart and threw away the key!
My faith doesn't consist of me believing in His existence, because even demons believe, but my faith consists in believing that He rewards me for seeking His Face!

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Friday, 26 October 2012

One Man's obedience

"Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned--" - Romans 5:12

"For if, because of one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ. Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men. For as by the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, so by the one man's obedience the many will be made righteous." - Romans 5:17-19

Adam had sinned. In the eyes of Adonai, his sin made it so that every man that came after him would be a defiled creature the same way Adam was.
A single action of a single man had a consequence on all man kind. Through Adam's disobedience we are all disobedient.
How can something like that be fair? I wasn't even close to Adam's time, so how is it fair that Adonai should see me as a sinner because of one who lived thousands of years before me? But whether I like it or not, the actions of a single man can affect all generations after him.
Take Avraham for instance. He believed Adonai and that was considered righteousness in the eyes of Adonai. A single action of one man made it so that Adonai chose to bless and protect all those that were born from the seed of Avraham.

It is not fair that we should all be counted as sinners because of one man. It is not fair that all Jews should be blessed by the obedience of one man and most certainly it is not fair that by the obedience of one man many are righteous. It is not fair that I get the same reward as the One that deserves reward, but that is how Adonai does things.

If I can believe that I am a sinner because of Adam's sin, then i must also believe that I am righteous because of Yeshua's obedience. Even if I don't feel righteous and I find it much easier to believe and accept that I am a sinner, I must understand Adonai's way of doing things and believe that Yeshua's action was at least as powerful as Adam's.
If by sinning, Adam was able to influence my condition 6000 years later, then I know for a fact that Yeshua and His obedience can make me righteous 2000 years later.
Yes, I was not the one that broke Adonai's commandment, I was not the one that ate from the tree, still I feel the consequence of that transgression as if I was the one who did it. The same way, I was not the one that obeyed The Father by dying on the cross, still... I live the consequence of Yeshua's obedience as if I had been obedient.

 "... so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord" - Romans 5:21

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Thursday, 18 October 2012

My Rock

"To you, O LORD, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me, lest, if you be silent to me, I become like those who go down to the pit." - Tehillim/ Psalms 28:1

Do you have any idea what it's like to talk to a rock? To stand before something completely different from your own nature, something that you can't attribute feelings to let alone mercy and hope with all your heart that it will listen to you, that it will have mercy for you and it will do something to help you?
Having a nature completely different from mine, Adonai, to whom I can't find the equivalent in my world, Adonai whom asks "To whom then will you liken God, or what likeness compare with him" (Yeshaiahu/ Isaiah 40:18) He chooses to confess to me that He is Tzur Israel (Rock of Israel) knowing full well that I've seen many rocks and none acted like it had heard me.
He had stretched my heart and my mind, my faith and my entire being to the point that I now see Him as a Rock even if I don't quite understand what that means, but even so, what do I do with all the information I have about rocks? All I know about them is that they are unmovable, that they allow you to see everything from the top, but I also know that if you try talking to them, they won't hear you, they won't be impressed by your words, they won't comfort you in any way and most certainly they will not help you. That is all I know about rocks. If He is a rock, then how do I find the faith within me to talk to it and believe that it had heard me, but not just that... to believe that it will do something to help me?
I find it as hard for me to understand Adonai's nature as it is for a blind man to understand what a rainbow looks like.
 It would be quite pointless to tell a blind person that a rainbow is an optical and meteorological phenomenon that is caused by reflection of light in water droplets in the Earth's atmosphere, resulting in a spectrum of light appearing in the sky and it takes the form of a multicoloured arc and has the colors red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet. The blind man doesn't understand what a multicolored arc looks like because he has no definition of an arc nor of colors not even a definition of the sky. In order to make him understand what a rainbow is, you need to use his functioning senses and the things currently defined in his mind so that he can come up with an image of what you're talking about even if that image isn't accurate nor complete, so you can use his hearing and attribute musical instruments to every color so that it would make sense to him.
Adonai isn't a rock in the literal sense, but I am blind to His reality, so in order to help me understand Him and His nature, He had to use notions and definitions from my reality. He used my notion of a "father" in order to make me understand part of His nature. He used my understanding of a "King" so that I understand Him. He used my notion of "justice" to help me understand He is just, although every notion that I have is distorted and corrupted by the reality I live in, still I can at least imagine what He is like. But just as the blind man cannot understand the rainbow with his current senses, I cannot understand Adonai with my current senses.
Although He saw everything I know about rocks and He saw how hard I struggle to believe that a rock can listen to me, He still compared Himself to a rock.
I do not find it hard to believe that if I am on Him I am above and I don't find it hard to believe that if I am in Him I am protected and if one wants to get to me he first needs to climb Him... but how do I believe that this rock... (even if it's Him) can listen to me?
It was exactly because I couldn't believe that, He sent me 'ambassadors' to tell me about this Rock, but I wouldn't believe them, so Yeshua came. He told me like He told Moshe (Moses) that even though in reality the rock is unmovable and you can't manipulate it, I should just talk to it, and it will give me water. He pointed to Himself and said to me "truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."
 I believe with all my heart that Adonai is unmovable in His decisions and you can't make Him move by any other means except by faith. I cannot convince Him, plead with Him or threaten Him. I can only believe that He loves me so much that He moved from His rightful place in heaven and came to me just to tell me: "if you have faith in Me all you need to say to me is "move from here to there" and I will move!"

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Are you suffering? - Be quiet!

I believe that one of the hardest things to do when you're in pain or when you suffer is to be quiet.
Adonai is distorted before our eyes due to the pain we experience and everything we know as being true at that moment becomes zero.
If before experiencing pain you can proclaim that you know for a fact that "The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them." (Psalm 34:7) when you're in pain you think that "He has kindled his wrath against me and counts me as his adversary. His troops come on together; they have cast up their siege ramp against me and encamp around my tent. " (Job 19:11-12)
If before you were in pain you believed that Adonai is everywhere as it is written: "If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me." (Psalm 139:8-10) the moment you suffer you believe that Adonai is nowhere to be found: "Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him" (Job 23:8-9)
If before the test of pain you used to think that "Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him." (Proverbs 30:5) the moment you get tested you think "For the arrows of the Almighty are in me; my spirit drinks their poison; the terrors of God are arrayed against me." (Job 6:4)
If before suffering you thought that "Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." (1 Peter 5:8), when you suffer you think (about Adonai) "And were my head lifted up, you would hunt me like a lion and again work wonders against me." (Job 10:16)
If pain, or suffering or watching your dreams die convince you that all you knew about Adonai is a lie, then I'm sorry to tell you this, but you still have a long way to go. Untested faith is no faith at all.
For more than 2 months I was in constant pain, day and night and I mean the kind of pain that draws all life out of someone and renders one powerless and desperate. When my pain began thanks to an ulcer, I thought "well this is unfair because there is no reason under the sun for which I should experience this and so it's not fair."
Adonai didn't come to shake me and scream at my unbelief  "I knew your faith was shallow!" He kept quiet even if He was in pain, suspected by this mortal that He is everything He's not, but one night when I was crying and kept repeating "I don't know how much more of this I can take" I felt He came to me and asked me "If you believe that I am good only when your eyes tell You I am good and only when everything works out the way you want it, what is unusual about your faith? Don't pagans do the same? How is your faith any different?" I placed my hand over my mouth and said nothing.
You see, in this relationship that He and I have, He loves me and is unmoved and unchanged in His decision to stay by my side no matter what; no matter if i make Him feel good or not and sadly more often than not, He suffers because of me. Everyday my enemy goes before Him with solid proof of my unfaithfulness and tells Him that He is entitled to believe the worst about me, that I deserve for Him to abandon me and never even look my way again, still... He looks at Yeshua that stands between me and Him, and because of His regard for the price Yeshua paid, Adonai never lets go even if He would be better off without me.
Even though He sees me exactly as I am, He always looks at me through faith. He's not unsure in this relationship and He always sees beyond what I show Him, hears more than what I tell Him and loves for the both us.
I can never thank Him enough for what He does, it would only sound like cheap words. All I can do is look at Adonai through Yeshua, through faith and not through pain. Is that an easy thing to do? As easy as trying to imitate Monet when you lack any form of talent. All I can do is imitate Him in this relationship and hope that one day I'll be able to make Him feel loved, at least 0,1% of how loved I feel by Him.

If pain makes you see Him different than He said He is, then close you eyes and place a hand over your mouth and be quiet until the pain is gone because only now you see the real measure of faith that you have.

Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה