Today I thought I should write something, so for lack of inspiration I thought about something I wrote back in 2015 and set about finding it.
Now if you know me at all you know that I am pretty OCD about most things, but organizing papers is not one of them. I am so bad in fact that back in Romania I had a drawer where I kept all my files and important papers that looked like the secret door to Narnia and I never ever organized it. Whenever my mom came by she kept telling me, 'please let me organize that drawer for you'. She was an accountant and she's a bit OCD herself, but her crazy doesn't match my crazy so with all the terrified voice I could muster I always replied "mom, I've got this, it's fine!" The first thing she did when I left Romania was to go and set everything straight. Now I know that this little story doesn't make me or my mom sound very sane but the moral is I am lousy when it comes to organizing files and papers and I know you could have carried on with your life just fine without knowing that bit of information, but consider it a gift from me. You're welcome.
Needless to say that as I was looking for whatever I was looking for I got sidetracked by this quote I found. It said "It's written, 'seek and ye shall find', but first you have to imagine what you seek. Otherwise you will end up searching for everything everywhere forever." It sounds like a good quote and I am sure that at the time I scribbled it down I thought 'what an amazing concept' but today it just annoyed me. Why, you ask? Because I have quite a vivid imagination. Some would say too much, but I wouldn't listen to those people because they're just jealous. Fine! They're not, but don't listen to them because they don't make me sound too good!
I always knew where I wanted to end up. I have acquired new dreams along the way but a few things stayed the same. They're still not fulfilled but the point is I have always kept them in my sight. I have always tried to make it so that everything I did was in order to bring me closer to those goals. And believe me when I say I tried everything. Short of turning over to the dark side, I have tried everything. I followed 10 steps to get you here and 12 principles to learn whatever and 20 keys to uncover you-name-it.
I tried to build my faith because some people told me I didn't get my miracle because I didn't believe enough. I got to the point where I started thinking 'HaShem, it must be that I don't know how to believe, because everybody else seems to have this down to an art and my faith brings about nothing. So teach me how to believe!'
Other people said, 'you know, some things happen only with prayer and fasting'. Now believe me when I say I never do things half way and I spent years of fasting for 40 days, break fast for 2 weeks, go into 21 days, break fast and go into 40 days again. And all I got was an ulcer.I stayed positive and envisioned everything so much that I could taste it and feel it, and my miracle didn't happen.
Then others came along and told me, 'things will happen when you stop wanting them'. And it got me thinking that HaShem sounds pretty cruel if that's the case because He keeps you until you lose all hope and give up and then gives it to you? Then why believe at all in the first place? But not to have it said I didn't try that too, I went about employing all my efforts into not hoping for my miracle anymore. That didn't work either.
At the end of all my struggle I felt like a fool. And I was a fool. I have been angry and then resigned. I could imagine even HaShem asking 'are you done?'
So I stopped and thought and the only logical conclusion was that it is not up to me or anything I do, but it's up to Adonai. And when I'll get my miracle (and get it I will!) I won't be able to come up with theories to impart to desperate people about what I think they should do to get HaShem to give them whatever. I'll know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it was Adonai and Adonai alone that brought about my miracle. Not my positivism or great vision but HaShem.
So my thought for today is: if you see someone in desperate need of a miracle, kindly refrain from giving them your suggestion about what you think they should do in order to get it. What worked for you might not work for them, so just be a friend and let them vent and stop giving them solutions. Pray they find peace and don't lose hope and that's it.
And if it's you who needs a miracle, then my advice to you brave soul is that you stay strong and keep hoping because the One that made the promise is FAITHFUL. Say it until you hope it and hope it until you believe it. And when you can't believe anymore, rest and start over. There is no shortcut to this nor some fancy way of twisting Adonai's arm into doing something for you. Believe me, I tried. Just hope because whoever places his/her trust in Him is not trusting in vain.
Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה
No comments:
Post a Comment