Broken vessels

Yeshua answered them, "Those who are healthy have no need for a physician, but those who are sick do. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." - Luke 5:31-32
I use to believe that in order to be able to follow Yeshua, one must be a tzadik (righteous) , to stand firm facing death and not be scared, one that is fighting his fears and his shortcomings and no temptation overcomes him, you know...like a super man.
I remember my first lie ... it was then that I understood that I am deeply flawded, that I am not some holy angel but dirty clay that forms this vessel which in time I got to break in every possible way. Now I look more like a piece of pottery from ancient times, not because I'm ancient but because my cracks and cuts are deep.
I've reduced myself to broken pieces, chips and cracks from something that use to be once. Who would ever want that? To do what with these pieces? If someone wants to use a vessel, they use one that is in good condition, and if the one that use to be in a good condition breaks, then they go and buy a new one, but no one... NO ONE starts to glue back together the pieces from a broken vessel, and even if someone would, they would always be aware not to use it too much because it can't hold that well anymore for it use to be broken once. That's what a normal person would think, because that makes sense and that is logical. Anyone would think like that but not Adonai. Normality has nothing to do with Adonai, sense has nothing to do with Adonai and logic even less than that.
He seems to be searching for the most broken vessel and the most impossible one to put together, the cheapest one that no one would even bother to look at, and when He finds it He calls all heaven to come and see His 'project'. I think malachim (angels) look at Him and they're in shock. 'Elohim, we know You can do all things, we've seen You creating the world out of nothing, and if this man that you try to repair would be nothing he would stand more chances than what it is right now. Look at him>HE'S ALL BROKEN!'
But Adonai smiles and starts picking up every little piece and every speck of dust that use to form a whole man once. He washes every piece and while He cleans it he visualizes where each piece should go. He's taking His time. He's really into His work. He first glues together the big parts and the man starts to shape a form ...but that's the easy part. He has to glue in together even pieces that not even angels are able to see that are missing. He knows exactly how this person needs to look like because He knows how He made him in the first place. He doesn't give up until He finishes what He started. Then He takes the vessel and fills it up with Water and the malachim (angels) scream 'no, don't fill it all the way up, it won't hold!', but Adonai smiles and tells them every time the same thing 'it can hold because it's strength doesn't come from itself but from the ONE carrying it and repairing it'.
You're never amazed when you see a perfectly good vessel that holds up water withing itself without breaking or without spilling the water through it's cracks, but you can't help but be amazed when you see a broken vessel, that is so broken you have no idea what's holding it, but it doesn't break nor does it spill water through it's cracks. When you see such a vessel you want to praise the one that glued together it's pieces.
I don't want to sound like Paul and proclaim myself 'the chief of sinners' but I'm not that far off either. Adonai had to work a looooooooooooooooot to repair me and then pour WATER in me. I still break sometimes. I don't do it often, but when I do break I break in such a way that no human can endure the sight of me...But Adonai doesn't go away, He's not scared or impressed by my words nor by my rebellion when I yell 'but it's not fair!'... He waits until I finish breaking and then He comes and puts me back together. Sometimes it makes no sense why He does it, other times I ask Him while He glues me together 'why don't You give up?' He smiles 'the sick need a physician, the sinners need righteousness, and ruins need a Builder'

Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina