I am growing

For a while now, I seem to have developed a certain obsession for mountains and the way they can be climbed, so I ended up reading a presentation by Brian Cavanaugh on Edmund Hillary and loved what he wrote:

“Sir Edmund Hillary was the first man to climb Mount Everest. On May 29, 1953 he scaled the highest mountain then known to man-29,000 feet straight up. He was knighted for his efforts.

The happy ending seemed to have easily obtained. However, until we read his book, High Adventure, we don’t understand that Hillary had to grow into this success.

You see, in 1952 he attempted to climb Mount Everest, but failed. A few weeks later a group in England asked him to address its members.

Hillary walked on stage to a thunderous applause. The audience was recognizing an attempt at greatness, but Edmund Hillary saw himself as a failure. He moved away from the microphone and walked to the edge of the platform.

He made a fist and pointed at a picture of the mountain. He said in a loud voice, “Mount Everest, you beat me the first time, but I’ll beat you the next time because you’ve grown all you are going to grow… but I’m still growing!”

I find strength in the thought that I was not born completely developed into the greatness of what I can be. I find comfort that not even the second time was I born completely developed into what I can be, and what I am to be has not yet been shown. I don’t even know myself what I am capable of. But I know I can grow. And if I come across something higher than me, I am the daughter of The Most High and I can grow high and above my circumstances. My mountains have not yet found out how high I can grow. I don’t fully understand it myself yet, but I am eager to find out.

There is a quote by an unknown author, which says that if you want to see the rainbow you must put up with a little rain first. I truly believe that if we are ready to get wet by the rain we will also have the blessing of seeing the rainbow with our own eyes. I believe that climbing a mountain 29,000 feet high begins with a first step, because you never just find yourself on the top. I believe it takes a lot of stubbornness not to give up even if you would find yourself slipping back to the valley for the hundredth thousand time. I don’t believe the human mind is able to fully perceive what Adonai put inside those who believed in Yeshua’s sacrifice. I believe the same power that raised Him from the dead lives in me and such strength can only grow, not to lift me up or to fulfill my needs, but for His sake.

For His sake to climb my mountains the same way He walked my valleys. Perhaps it sounds crazy and impossible, but it is in now way crazier than Holiness itself scooping down in my dirt to pick me up from there.

I believe with all my heart we were not saved solely to have a chair reserved in a church or another. But we were saved to grow in the likeness of the One who saved us, and with the same strength and trust to build up His Kingdom, not only to follow our personal goals and needs. If we are not growing, we’re not stagnant but we are going down. And it is of no use to us to just believe if we don’t conquer any ground in our lives. A buried gift is of no use to the One who gave it to me. Because He gave me that gift in complete trust that He made me in His likeness, built from something capable of growth and to bring light. No one lights a candle only hide it away, but one puts a candle somewhere where it can light the whole house. Mountains come along on our paths in order to lift our light higher, not to crush us with their immensity.

To the one who will overcome He will give the crown of life. Not to the ones who will overcome sleep during lengthy and boring sermons. Not to the ones who will manage to stand up until the end of a song or a prayer. No! To the ones who will overcome shame and unworthiness and will not give up climbing and getting closer to The Holy One. To the ones who will overcome all the things that tempt them to mediocrity and will stand up for their King, and for His sake will help others to climb also.

Even if you fell down more than you can count, I know that I know that I know that every fall is necessary to teach you where not to put your foot again or what corner or rock to no longer grab in your climb. Adonai has no benefit if you just sit there fallen and feeling guilty! He has no benefit from you feeling sorry and staying away from Him in shame! Stand up, shake the dust off your clothes and try again, because all He wants is to see you grow. We owe Him at least this: to stand up after we fall, not to marinate in tears of guilt. I am not the center of His Kingdom, the "I" who sometimes succeeds sometimes not. He is the center of His Kingdom, and it is Him who can knight you and me for climbing the highest mountains there are.

Bat Melech בת מלך

Cristina כריסטינה

Translated by Emma

Still

Does it hurt you eyes Adonai, to look at me?
If I drown in darkness, can You still see me?
If I get lost again, do You still want to find me?
And if again I return homeless to Your home, do You receive me?

If i get scattered by fear, do You still want to gather me?
If despair ties me, will You still untie me?
If I try looking for excuses do You still want to understand them?
And if You see others better than me, do You still choose me?

Do You still cry because it hurts to see me crying?
Do You still run to catch me if You see me falling?
Do You still hear me calling even if You don't see me talking?
If I stopped and I don't know where I am, do You still wait for me dreaming?

Even If You got tired, Adonai, continue to look at me,
Still search for me, find me, receive me,
Still gather me, untie me, understand me,
Still choose me, catch me, hear me,
Still dream of me... still believe that I'll return and wait for me!

Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה

I know

I’ve always known that Adonai loves people. I’ve always known that He is merciful and kind and just and good. I don’t know why or how, but I’ve always known it. Maybe it’s because I heard it said so many times that I got to know it for a fact, or maybe because I wanted to believe that even though what I saw around me disproved that fact. Either way, I knew what He is suppose to be like and every time something happened that challenged my so called belief, I would end up a mess, not knowing what to think of Adonai any more. I’d come up with lines like ‘I know you are a good God, so why? Why do You allow this to happen?’ and every time I had to accept the fact that there is no answer. But I was wrong.

In Judaism there is a saying that if you ask the wrong question you cannot expect the right answer, so I had to conclude that my questions were silly, not because they were questioning God and that’s a ‘no, no’, but because I had wrong expectations.

I didn’t understand that my knowledge of His attributes was just knowledge until He taught me.

So, if I say today that God is good, it means that I’ve been more than a thousand times in a place where He could have ignored me because of my unfaithfulness, but He chose to show me goodness.

If I say today that God is merciful, that means that I have been pitiful in His eyes more times than I can count, but He chose to show mercy to this silly child of His.

If I say today that God is slow in anger, it means that I gave Him reasons to get angry with me dozens of times, yet He chose not to be angry.

If I say today that God is a loving God, it most certainly does not mean that He was nice to me, but it means that He found enough strength in His heart to love me and love me until death, not with words or songs or embraces, but dying in my place and loving me even from beyond the grave, so much so that He resurrected for me.

If I say today that God is forgiving, it’s not because I’ve learned by heart the ‘4 steps to get to heaven’ but because I was in need of forgiveness countless times and every time He looked at me and couldn’t bear the thought that I am tormented by the guilt of sin, so He cleansed me every time.

If I know today that God never lets me go it’s not because I heard it in a song, but because I fell so many times that no one in this world or the next would ever have hoped for me again, but He was always there, always waiting that I would hope in Him enough to get up and keep going.

If I say today that God is faithful, it’s because no one has ever been as unfaithful to Him as I was, yet He always… always remained faithful to me.

Adonai is good! Adonai is merciful! Adonai is kind and graceful! Adonai is loving! Adonai is forgiving! Adonai is slow in anger! Adonai is faithful!

People look at a tsunami hitting a country or the fact that there are wars and innocent children die and they decide that there is no way that God can be good, but God doesn’t perform shows for the world to be in owe, He doesn’t do things to impress the crowds, but for the individual, so that no one could ever say ‘yes, we are all just a sea of faces to Him’ but so that every one would know that God reveals His love to each one as if it were the only one in the world.

Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה

Unlike any other

Listen to me, house of Ya`akov, and all the remnant of the house of Yisra'el, that have been borne [by Me] from their birth, that have been carried from the womb; and even to old age I am He, and even to gray hairs will I carry you. I have made, and I will bear; yes, I will carry, and will deliver. To whom will you liken Me and make Me equal, and compare Me that we may be like? – Yeshayahu/ Isaiah 46:3-5

Adonai decided to carry me even from before I was born, even before He could benefit from me, even before I got to choose right or wrong and even before I got to sadden His heart, although He knew me well… He chose me even before I got to promise Him that I will follow after Him. He carried me on His shoulder until I was able to walk on my own and then observing that my steps were slowed by many burdens, He supported me. I got so used to be carried and supported, that sometimes I took that for granted and being blinded by this world didn’t help me either. So it was hard to train my mind and heart to understand that if I stand, it’s because He won’t let me fall – if I breathe it’s because He never seizes to whisper in my darkness ‘breathe!’ – if I don’t get blind it’s because He is my Light and if I live it’s because He lives within me.

I tried to compare Him to familiar things from my own limited world, so that I could understand Him more. I tried to think of Him as a father, then as a lover, or a hero, or deliverer, but all these are as incomplete as my understanding.

To whom will I liken Him so I would understand His heart? If I compare Him to an earthly father, even if I would think of the best father there is, a father cannot carry you forever because his time with you and his life is limited, how could a father carry you until your hair turns gray? Adonai’s fatherly figure in my life is limited by my understanding of what a father is.

Compare Him to a lover? A human can love you only conditionally… his/her love is always conditioned by time, or circumstances, or failures, or even successes and the dreams that keep changing. If I would have to consider even the greatest love in history, it still doesn’t help me understand His love.

Should I compare Him to a hero? A hero can save the day once and then it’s up to you to save yourself. Even if I would compare Him to the bravest hero there is, I still wouldn’t understand how much courage He used to die for me, to resurrect for me, to ascend to the heavens for me all the while hoping that my blind heart will see beyond thousands of years that He is everything… He hoped against all odds that my deaf ears will hear beyond all the space that separates us that He loves me.

To whom shall I compare Him? There is no one in any dimension or book, or dream or reality that is like Him. The heavens cannot contain Him let alone my heart. He’s got countless angels and heavenly beings that praise Him and their light would blind these eyes made of flesh, still He humbles Himself to support someone like me who is not even worthy to look upon His majesty. He never gets tired to lift me from my failures, He never gets tired of hoping, He never gets tired of loving me and support me and if I hear it or not, He never stops calling me beyond time and space to tell me ‘I love you’.

I won’t compare You to anyone anymore, Adonai, my King. You are everything to me. I am from You, through You and for You and no matter how much I treasure other things, You Adonai… You are thousands of miles higher than anything I may consider high.

Bat Melech בת מלך Cristina כריסטינה

Breathing Life

The LORD God formed man from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul. Bereishit/ Genesis 2:7

Adonai created the man and because He loved the man, He didn’t tie Adam to Himself with an umbilical cord, forcing Adam to depend on Him, but Adonai created Adam with the a will of his own, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and man became a living soul. A soul that can think and feel on its own, a soul that would be able to breath on it’s own after that first breath. But Adam didn’t understand that his ‘lungs’ have been created to breath only in the presence of the Holy One, so he tried breathing the toxic air of sin, which lead to his death and the degradation of the whole world, thus making the air unbreathable for all humans. The Creator, seeing His creation’s suffering, became moved with pity and so decided to make a way for humans to breath again. Nothing could change the world’s atmosphere and purify its air, but Yeshua was sent by The Father, to become a breathing device, that anyone that chooses Him, can benefit from clean air. Yeshua didn’t come to change the whole world, but only those that would want to be changed by Him. And the way change occurs, is by spending time in the Word of God which has been inspired with Life (2 Timothy 3:16), just like Adam was when he took that first breath that gave him life.

Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה

Obsession

“Does he not see my ways and count my every step?” Job 31:4

Adonai is obsessed with man. I don’t make this statement easily, quite the opposite, if there would be a stronger word than “obsession” to describe the way He feels about us, I would use that word.
One of the definitions of obsession is: inadequate image or idea, constantly present in ones consciousness, abnormally and persistently; tormenting preoccupation. I am the inadequate image unfit for His holiness, constantly present in His mind, up to becoming a tormenting preoccupation for Him. I don’t know why He loves me in this almost insane way, but I don’t even think I need to understand. What I know is that I am always before His eyes, to compensate for the fact that I can’t see Him. He always listens to me to compensate for me not being able to hear Him. He always holds me to compensate for me not being able to touch Him. He is always near to compensate for the distance that I feel. He always comforts me to compensate that I feel Him against me. He is my Father to compensate for the fact that I feel orphaned. He is my road to compensate for me feeling lost.. He is my everything, to compensate for me not having anything…
He camps His angels around me (Psalm 34:7) as if He would guard His most precious. He engraved the palms of His hands with me (Isaiah 49:16) so that I would understand that He loves me.
He waits after me on my ways not His, until He come s to know them well, but He still doesn’t give up on me. He gathers every tear and safeguards it, though many of the tears I cried were against Him. But He knows the pain that caused them so He does not despise it. He counts every step that I take and He knows exactly how many steps there are between me and my dream, between me and Him… And He never quits whispering to me to carry on walking. He never grows tired to believe for me, He never grows tired to hope for me, He never grows tired to pick me up, to guide me, to forgive me, to have me. A man may love, but if the subject of his love is consistently faulty he grows tired of his love, but God is not the same. “He will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth. “ (Isaiah 42:4a)
My hope does not lay in the fact that one day I will hold my head high before Him, my hope lays in the love that He has for me. That love great enough to motivate Him to not give up on me until he will establish justice on this earth that is me.

Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה

Translated by Emma to whom I am really grateful

Framed

“My dear children, you belong to God and have defeated them; because God's Spirit, who is in you, is greater than the devil, who is in the world.” 1 John 4:4 

 In Charles Dickens’s book, “Nicholas Nickleby”, the author describes a phrase scribbled on the walls of a boarding school “Fear him who formed thy frame”. I had these words in my mind all day. Who created my frame/my limits? Who told me how much I can do and how far I can go? When Adonai created everything there is, He framed it all in certain patterns. For example, the bear was created a bear and it knew from the beginning, what it’s supposed to eat and what not, where it can live and where it can’t. A bear doesn’t sit around pondering “Am I everything that I can be?” A bear understands that it is everything that it must be and it doesn’t have higher goals than being a bear. This is its frame/ its limit. Same is applicable to everything else that was created. All things have their own characteristics and limitations and they don’t “feel” the need to achieve nor become something else. Why then isn’t man the same as everything else that was created? Why can’t I just accept my limits? Why can’t I simply understand that perhaps this is all that was allowed for me to know? Why do I always feel the need to know more? Why can’t I just be satisfied with what I am? Why do I seek to grow more, to dream more, to question more? Why do I always ask myself whether I am everything that I can be? Why is someone who is born in a less privileged part of the society unable to accept their level and always aims to do better, to be more? Why is man always so desperate to break his limits and as such attempts to break record after record only to shout from the top of his lungs “I can do more!”? I never saw a horse wishing to be a leopard and train in becoming a good hunter to reach its goal. Its frame was to be a horse. But me…I can’t accept my frame! Tell me that I can’t do it and I’ll prove to you I’ll find a way to make it happen. Tell me it’s not for me and I’ll do the impossible to make it mine. Tell me I’m not enough and I’ll stretch, I’ll reinvent, redefine myself all to become more than enough. Is it out of rebellion? Who created my frame? Who am I rebelling against? I had these questions in me all day and in the end I got it that Adonai created us limitless, as He is. But the enemy came, bound our eyes and told us we are naked and weak, that we can’t, and that we are but dust. He created our frame and we carry it inside ourselves. And as if this would not be bad enough he also scribbled on the walls of our minds “fear him who formed thy frame”. Adonai comes and tells us “don’t believe what you see, believe that you can. I created you in My own image! Believe in Me!”, but I’m sitting there helpless in my frame, shaking out of fear of the one who framed me. What my enemy doesn’t know though, is that there isn’t a frame strong enough to hold me. Adonai created me limitless enough so that only His heart could contain me. And no matter what frame satan would try to put me in, it can’t contain the image of The Living One living in me. That’s why I am not afraid of the one who framed me, because I see in his frame nothing else but another opportunity for the One within me to smash it to pieces. Bat Melech בת מלך Cristina כריסטינה Translated by Emma

Faithful

“He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.” Devarim/ Deuteronomy 32:4

Today, I’ve been challenged to think of Adonai’s faithfulness and my conclusion was that in this relationship in which we both are and in which we promised faithfulness to one another, He was always involved with all His being, whilst I gave Him little scrapes of nothing, which instead of throwing away, He cherished as if He would’ve seen all the riches in them.
There wasn’t anybody else in His eyes but me. ..whilst I smeared my eyes looking towards things that made Him jealous and made Him sad. I lost myself countless times and just as many times I promised Him it won’t happen again, but it did…and instead of losing His hope, He remembered His covenant with me. He came to look for me every single time, and every single time He found me. Instead of leaving me to my own devices He stood by me and put up with me when I was shouting “You don’t love me!” Perhaps He would’ve liked to leave at least not to see me for a while, instead He became The Rock, and stood in one place, unmovable, to prove to me that even though I might be blown in all directions, He remains unshakable and He doesn’t leave no matter what would try to move Him. He took my face in His hands that were marked by nails that were meant to mark me, and told me that He loved me but I pretended I can't hear Him. When I left, He waited. When I came back, He received me. When I cried, He parted the heavens and came down. His Hands became comfort and He didn’t let go until I forgot why I started crying in the first place. When I laughed, He declared it a feast, and He rejoiced over me as one might rejoice over all the treasures. When I gave up, He stopped besides me and stood silent until I had the good will to see that He is still next to me and He deserves for me to carry on for His sake. My Beloved and My Lord, never had anything to gain from loving me. Every time I turned towards Him, He acted as if I never done anything wrong. Never reproaching me and all He forgave as if I never hurt Him, never even giving me a bad look. He always looked at me with the same eyes full lovinkindness, as if He always saw in me His eternal love.
When I understood how unfaithful I was, I stopped. A dear brother of mine (Ionel) once said that when you love someone, that person’s life should be better for being loved by you. I understood that it is not better for Him with the way I pretend to love Him. I wanted to tell Him to go, because I hurt Him too much and surely it would be better for Him without me, but He took me in His arms and held me so tight that he almost took my breath away. He shouted in my ears so that I could hear Him with my heart and my spirit “perhaps you can be an eternity without Me, but I can’t. I’m not letting go!”
How could I resist such love?
We’re not the “perfect couple” yet. I’m still His weaker, clumsier, all over the place half. But where I amaze by ugliness, He shines brighter to cover my shame. The fact that Adonai is faithful is not just an interesting phrase. If anyone wants evidence that He is so, they can look at me, because no one was more unfaithful than me, and I don’t think that He was more faithful to anyone than He was to me.


Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה
Translated by Emma to whom I am really grateful

Strangers