Adonai decided to carry me even from before I was born, even before He could benefit from me, even before I got to choose right or wrong and even before I got to sadden His heart, although He knew me well… He chose me even before I got to promise Him that I will follow after Him.
He carried me on His shoulder until I was able to walk on my own and then observing that my steps were slowed by many burdens, He supported me. I got so used to be carried and supported, that sometimes I took that for granted and being blinded by this world didn’t help me either. So it was hard to train my mind and heart to understand that if I stand, it’s because He won’t let me fall – if I breathe it’s because He never seizes to whisper in my darkness ‘breathe!’ – if I don’t get blind it’s because He is my Light and if I live it’s because He lives within me.
I tried to compare Him to familiar things from my own limited world, so that I could understand Him more. I tried to think of Him as a father, then as a lover, or a hero, or deliverer, but all these are as incomplete as my understanding.
To whom will I liken Him so I would understand His heart? If I compare Him to an earthly father, even if I would think of the best father there is, a father cannot carry you forever because his time with you and his life is limited, how could a father carry you until your hair turns gray? Adonai’s fatherly figure in my life is limited by my understanding of what a father is.
Compare Him to a lover? A human can love you only conditionally… his/her love is always conditioned by time, or circumstances, or failures, or even successes and the dreams that keep changing. If I would have to consider even the greatest love in history, it still doesn’t help me understand His love.
Should I compare Him to a hero? A hero can save the day once and then it’s up to you to save yourself. Even if I would compare Him to the bravest hero there is, I still wouldn’t understand how much courage He used to die for me, to resurrect for me, to ascend to the heavens for me all the while hoping that my blind heart will see beyond thousands of years that He is everything… He hoped against all odds that my deaf ears will hear beyond all the space that separates us that He loves me.
To whom shall I compare Him? There is no one in any dimension or book, or dream or reality that is like Him. The heavens cannot contain Him let alone my heart. He’s got countless angels and heavenly beings that praise Him and their light would blind these eyes made of flesh, still He humbles Himself to support someone like me, that is not even worthy to look upon His majesty. He never gets tired to lift me from my failures, He never gets tired of hoping, He never gets tired of loving me and support me and if I hear it or not, He never stops calling me beyond time and space to tell me ‘I love you’.
I won’t compare You to anyone anymore, Adonai, my King. You are everything to me. I am from You, through You and for You and no matter how much I treasure other things, You Adonai… You are thousands of miles higher than anything I may consider high.
Bat Melech בת מלך