Despite apperances

When men in the camp were jealous of Moshe (Moses) and Aharon (Aaron), the holy one of the Lord. (Tehillim/Ps.106:16) 

Yesterday I was reading Psalm 106 and I saw Aharon being called, the holy one of the Lord and that brought immediately to mind the whole story of the golden calf. 

In Shemot (Exodus), Moshe goes up the mouintain with Aharon, Nadav, Avihu and 70 elders of Israel and in verse 10 it says, that they saw HaShem. Aharon saw HaShem. When he was in Mitzrayim (Egypt), Aharon was Moshe’s mouth. He spoke before pharaoh and did miracles in front of him and in front of all Israel... He has seen Adonai. He knew Adonai.

Moshe goes up to the mountain with Yehoshua to receive Ha Torah (The Law) and Aharon is left in charge of the people. 40 days and 40 nights pass and during this time Elohim tells Moshe ”Speak to the people of Israel, that they take for me a contribution. From every man whose heart moves him you shall receive the contribution for me.  And this is the contribution that you shall receive from them: gold, silver, and bronze ...” (Ex. 25:2-3) Adonai tells Moshe this while the children of Israel were giving away their gold in order to make an idol for themselves, as if He didn’t know they were giving away their precious things to something that didn’t deserve it. As if He couldn’t see down in the valley a people that was turning its back on Him, lead by Aharon. As if Adonai’s unaware of the fact that His people were worshiping another, He tells Moshe how He wants His place of worship to look like. And while Aharon was melting gold to create an idol, Adonai tells Moshe ”Then bring near to you Aaron your brother, and his sons with him, from among the people of Israel, to serve me as priests.” (Ex 28:1)

It sounds insane to see Adonai and then forget His face immediately and only days later to act as if that was no big deal. To forget His face and everything you’ve seen and worship something you’ve made with your own hands. It sounds impossible. Mind boggling. Whoever reads this can’t help but call Aharon a traitor. And he was. But I’m not gonna talk about Aharon’s stupidity right now. I have learned to not be shocked by anything humans do, just like I’m not shocked anymore even by the things I do or say, things that should never even cross my mind. The human heart is incredibly wicked regardless how good of an opinion one might have about oneself. So no, I don’t wish to speak about the human heart, but about Adonai’s heart. 

I know some people like to think that The God of The Old Covenant was a harsh God and really hard to please, while the God of The New Covenant is love.In The Old Covenant Adonai was merciless and in The New Covenant He is all grace, but I’ve got news for you. He is One and the same, unchanging. (James 1:17)

Like I said, nothing amazes me anymore when it comes to people. I know for a fact that regardless how holy they may be they can defile themselves and regardless how perverted they may be they can become holy. So even if nothing amazes me about humans anymore, everything about Adonai does. And I don’t say that to get some ’amen’ out of reflex nor to extract some admiration like ”oh, isn’t that just lovely! Bless her she’s so easily impressed!” But tell me, how can one not be in awe when one sees His heart? How does one not wail out loud when you know that everything that moves Ha Kadosh Baruch Hu (The Holy One blessed is He) is His love for us? 

He talks to Moshe about the gifts He is ready to receive from a people that cheat on Him as He speaks and He knows it. He talks about the holy garments He wants to dress Aharon in at the same time He sees Aharon making an idol for the people. Adonai sees Aharon in all his filth and He still wants him to be His priest. Adonai tells Moshe to take two onyx stones and engrave on them the names of the 12 tribes of Israel and Adonai says ”And Aaron shall bear their names before the Lord on his two shoulders for remembrance.” In other words just like he’s leading them in idol worship right now, he’ll bear their names before The Lord, forever. 

What kind of heart do You have Adonai? You see all and know all. You see that sometimes I get a revelation of just how amazing You are, only to say the most idiotic thing 2 seconds later. You see that I have moments like Keefa (Peter) when I realize exactly who You are only to make you tell me 2 minutes later "get thee behind me satan!" And even so, You watch me with eyes clean of any trace of resentfulness, despite the fact that You can do with me as You wish... I am Yours! But You treasure me even in my downfalls as if You don’t see all the evil lurking inside me. What kind of love is this, Adonai? It’s insane! You love insanely, Adonai! Sometimes I feel like telling you ”Guard Your heart against me at least a little bit!” But You don’t know how to love partially. You love completely. You forgive completely. You believe completely. And You believe for me. You believe just like You believed for Aharon. You believe despite appearances that my craziness doesn’t define me. You believe for me that one day I’ll choose right. You believe for me even more than I believe for myself. Teach me to believe like You, Adonai. Teach me to love like You do, Adonai without holding anything back. Without judging You wrong everytime I don’t understand what You do. When I see how You love me I know I don’t know how to love You. But I am willing to learn, Adonai. Help me!

Bat Melech בת מלך

 Cristina כריסטינה

Daughter

She looks upon the heavens with fears still lurking

Tainting her every hope, her waters murking...

In spite it all, her faith is still working

Reminding her she is the daughter of The King.

“I know Your Path – don’t let me stray!

I know your words… teach me to pray…

Don’t let me run away, inspire me to stay…

Help me to act the conqueror You say I am, and not like prey!”

Her fears are loud, “you’re just grasping at straws!”

The mocker just reminds her of all her flaws,

And even if she’s well acquainted with its claws

She knows The Law from all the other laws…

Some, on the Way tell her “You don’t know the meaning of grace –

You talk of Law, you mock the Faith -  you’re a disgrace!”

But she is deaf to all their taunts, her mind is on the race

Her only concern is HaShem’s will to emplace.

She counts everything as loss for the joy of knowing Him

She doesn’t trust her righteousness, she knows it’s dim

She’s just a daughter filled with longing for home to the brim,

And she’ll do anything to get there, even lose a limb!

Bat Melech בת מלך

 Cristina כריסטינה

I know

This morning my sister in law Sanda, sent me a link to a song and when I saw it I was like, ‘yeah, ok… I’ll listen to it later’. I went on with my routine but it kept nagging me to go check it out. Now, I’m not gonna lie, I don’t listen to Christian music much, in fact I hardly ever do, because it feels to me that it all sounds the same. But this video had lyrics on it as well and that helped, because for some reason I relate more to words than I do to sounds. The lyrics to the song go like this:

“Oh, my soul

Oh, how you worry

Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control

This was the one thing, you didn't see coming

And no one would blame you, though

If you cried in private

If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows

No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul

You are not alone

There's a place where fear has to face the God you know

One more day, He will make a way

Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

'Cause you're not alone

Here and now

You can be honest

I won't try to promise that someday it all works out

'Cause this is the valley

And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones

And there will be dancing

There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone

This much I know

I'm not strong enough, I can't take anymore

(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)

And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore

(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)

Can He find me here

Can He keep me from going under

Oh, my soul

You're not alone.” – Casting Crowns – Oh my soul

Our biggest fear is being alone. Whether it is alone socially, alone in our feelings or alone in our faith, we fear being alone. 

When it comes to our walk with Adonai, we get scared as well. We’re in a relationship with an unseen Being that is silent most of the time and sometimes we try to guess His thoughts, because we don’t know for sure. And when we choose to hope in Him for a certain thing or the circumstances we face, we’re often faced with a little voice inside that comes and asks “where is your God? You’ve been hoping and believing your heart out and He’s silent… what if God is not with you in this thing? What if it was just your selfishness that wanted this? What if you thought you’re more special than you actually are? What if you’re on your own in this thing? What if you’re ALONE?” 

Now, I haven’t been on this earth that long and I can’t say that I have learned all that much about life in general. There are so many things I don’t know that it’s daunting sometimes. Even in the things I do know, I haven’t considered all sides and all perspectives so I am not sure how credible that makes me in any of my statements. Do I know everything there is to know about HaShem? (Laughing out loud!) NO. But even I, with the little I do know and understand about Him, I can tell you that the little voice that asks you all those things is lying to you. How do I know that? 

When Avraham Avinu was talking with Adonai, in Bereishit (Genesis) chapter 15, HaShem made a covenant with Avraham. And commentators of the Scriptures will have all kinds of interpretations of that passage, some more accurate than others, but I am not gonna talk about the covenant right now, maybe in a different post. Right now I’m going to focus on verse 12 where it says that while HaShem was making this covenant with Avraham, “and see, a horror, great darkness fell on him.” Why? Avraham was in the presence of Ha Kadosh Baruch Hu (The Holy One Blessed is He), how can it be that He was overcome with horror? And most importantly, He was in the presence of The Light how could he be surrounded by darkness?  And this is not the only time HaShem does this. When He made His covenant with Israel at Har Sinai (Mount Sinai) the people were horrified. There was darkness and loud noises and the people got scared. (Read Exodus 19, Deuteronomy 4)

 

You would think that the moment when HaShem makes a covenant would be the time to shine brightly and use everything at His disposal to attract the person that He wishes to make a covenant with. Why on earth would you turn off the light and use the scary effects? 

Because He knows we’re gonna start a journey with an unseen God in a scary place and unless you learn to know Him in darkness you’re going to walk your entire journey wondering if He has left you or not. 

David Ha Melech said in Tehillim 23 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me”. But how do you know that?! BECAUSE He hasn’t dazzled me with His Light. He instead taught me to read His every feature in the dark, and I’m not scared anymore. He scared my fears away when darkness fell on me, because He taught me everything is smoke and mirrors. The only truth there is, is that HE IS and even better than anything else HE IS with me. 

Does that mean I never get scared again? No. I have learned about myself that I don’t doubt His ability to do one thing or another. I fear my ability to still believe if He doesn’t. I fear losing hope. I fear losing faith. I doubt me, not Him. But when that happens, you know what? I remember that I’ve learned Him in the dark. I remember my training. And I pull on the frailest hope I find within me and turn it into the power to say “This is not real… He is.” I don’t trust my faith to take me home. My faith is fickle. I don’t have faith in my faith. He will take me home. And that’s the only truth I know.  

Bat Melech בת מלך

 Cristina כריסטינה