Everything has changed in my life in the past couple of weeks, actually it changed in such a way that I didn't even have time to react or protest or adjust, just time to resign. I was telling Ioana yesterday that I feel like a kid that's taken to the doctor to get a shot and no matter how much he cries or fights it or fears it, it won't change the fact that he will get the medicine even if he's held down by others. The medicine itself has a good effect on the kid but all he knows is the weak feeling that breaks him to such a degree that he knows that tears don't count for anything so it's pointless to cry them.
Maybe at the core things wouldn't be so dramatic if one would look at them from the outside but I think that to be opinionated when it comes to someone's experiences would imply that you've been breathing through his lungs, you've been seeing through his eyes, you've been feeling through his heart, been hurt through his flesh and got hit through his skin. No one walked in my flesh, no one endured through my soul except Yeshua that is in me and that can see everything from within me... only He can have an opinion concerning me...
In the last couple of weeks I told myself 'breath!' more than I had to in 10 years. Why 'breath'? Because sometimes I panic so bad about the fact that everything in my life shows like Adonai left me that I need to remind myself He is there and the proof of that is that I am still breathing. If He would ever stop thinking about me I would cease to be.
So I breath as deep as I can... But it doesn't change the fact that it feels like everything I touch lately crumbles in my hands to such a degree that all the earth that I'm made of turns to sand. I already have so much sand and there's such a desert within me that the Sahara Desert seems small in comparison. I don't feel like I go through a desert because that would mean that at some point the desert will end, but I am the desert, so what hope is there left for me? Friday evening I was reading some words found in the book Yeshayahu written in huge letters up on a wall:
'The voice of one who cries, Prepare you in the wilderness the way of the LORD; make level in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low; and the uneven shall be made level, and the rough places a plain: and the glory of the LORD shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together; for the mouth of the LORD has spoken it.' - Yeshayahu/ Isaiah 40:3-5
I've been obsessed with these words ever since. You want a way made for You in my wilderness Adonai? Why don't you want a way made for You near a river or near something that actually brings forth fruit, why do You want a way made for You through all this endless sand?
I end up underestimating HaShem's love for me all the time. I always forget He is endless. I always forget He is love. I always forget He's an endless love and that if I didn't get to the point where I can understand all of Him then I can't possibly understand all His love or the way He chooses to work. Yes, the logic thing to do would be for Him to work a land that is actually fruitful, but my logic is wrong because it thinks that fruit has to do with the superior quality of the soil and Adonai just proves me time and time again that fruit has to do with the One working the soil and that can turn even a wilderness into a garden.
One of my favorite verses from the Torah says 'Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the Lord your God will gather you and bring you back.' - Devarim/ Deuteronomy 30:4
If I am a fruitful soil for Him Baruch Hashem! I can boast about it but not to Adonai, but if my land and all the earth that I am has turned into a wilderness and if my sand would be banished to the most distant land under the heavens, I know with all my heart that the One who calls Himself I AM, will gather every grain of my sand because He is the only One that knows how I turned into this desert. Only He knows what every grain of sand was before it turned to sand. And if it so happens that I am desert now, I know that in all this nothingness and all this ugliness He wants me to prepare a way for Him so He would come to me. I asked HaShem 'even if I would start making a way for You, why would You ever come in the desert Melech Sheli (my King)?' I felt Him saying 'I've been there before'.
If there is anything left good in me it's Him. If He is seen in me beyond all this desert then I know it's not my doing.
If you go through the wilderness all you need is patience and determination to not quit until you're out, but if you are the wilderness then even if someone would place you in Gan HaEden (Garden of Eden) you'd still be a wilderness. My desert has nothing to do with the circumstances I'm in right now and I know my desert won't be less of a desert if I get out from the circumstances I face. I don't need either patience nor determination to have victory over my desert, but I need to prepare a way for the One that is Life itself, a way to come and tear down my mountains that I see too high for me to climb and change them into fruitful places, to come and exalt every valley, everything that I lack in my very own character that prevents me from seeing Him the way He really is. I know His glory will come. If I've became this desert I won't stay this way because I am preparing a way for Adonai in the desert even if it seems in vain. I know Adonai's Shekinah will be revealed in my desert and then everyone will know that this desert has no merits, but all glory belongs to the One that gathers every grain of my sand from the most distant land under heavens only so that I can be His with all I am. By Him, through Him and for Him are all things!
Bat Melech בת מלך