Despair?

I was in Romania for 10 days visiting my friends and family and I have returned to England with a heavy heart, feeling a little lost as one is prone to feel when one is torn in half with the inability to be in two places at once and be two different versions of you at once. 

It happens sometimes that I am faced with a certain thing or event and after that encounter I feel completely disconnected from everything I knew before the encounter. If I haven’t mentioned it before, ahm… I have issues (more than a Vogue magazine). Anyway, because I know myself, I am prepared for times like this. You see, I have a habit of recording everything I live or feel or inspires me since I was about 14. Why? For such a time as this. For times when I feel misplaced or just off somehow. Then I can just pick up one of my journals or inspirational things I’ve written and remember. 

This was the case today. I felt like my soul was yelling at me “Enough already!” So because I don’t want an internal war I was like, “Ok, let’s do this!” and proceeded to pick up this little notebook where I would just scribble down any little fact I read that had an impact on me. It’s a disaster really, because I recorded everything from the greatest rabbis to anime characters with awesome lines; from Seneca to lyrics to Avril Lavigne’ songs. Basically, it’s all over the place. 

Among all the many quotes I have in there, the one I will mention is one by Tzvi Freeman and it says:

“Despair is the ultimate form of self-worship—the perception that you have the capacity to truly mess up, to take the world’s destiny out of its Creator’s hands and sabotage His plans.

Know that the world is in a constant state of elevation, rocketing upwards towards its ultimate wholeness at every moment. Every quivering of every leaf, every subtle breeze, every slightest motion of any particle of our universe is another move in that same direction. Even those events that seem to thrust downward are in truth only a part of the ascent—like the poise of an athlete before he leaps, the contraction of a spring before its energy is released.

There is not a thing you could do to halt that dynamic even for a moment. True, you must take responsibility for your deeds, and work hard, very hard, to clean up your own mess. But when all the dust settles, you are exactly in the space where you were meant to be: One step closer.”

I know it would be so much easier to have the plan all laid out, like a project for a house that you can look at when the mess of the construction site makes you doubt there is an end to all that dust and clutter. But I don’t have the plan, only the Architect of my life’s plan. When in doubt, I need to look at Him and trust like a child, because all knowledge and maturity flies out the window and all you have is a reassuring smile that whispers from every page of The Book “I’ve got this! Just trust Me.” And I do, because the option is to despair and I can’t afford to do that. So I’ll trust in You, not because I need to stay positive, but because You have never failed me HaShem. Not once. I’ve checked. You’re worthy! Even of my insignificant trust, Adonai.

Bat Melech בת מלך

 Cristina כריסטינה