The articles in this blog represent my own belief, thoughts and walk with Adonai and the things He teaches me. Do not copy or publish any of my articles without my permission.

Thank you for your understanding,
Bat Melech בת מלך

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Memory...



I don’t like flowers. I like them well enough on a field, but I guess it’s just the different colors more than the flowers themselves. 

When I was growing up my mom had this crazy obsession with flowers and she got pots of them all over the house. I saw no use for them. I don’t know what kind they were and I don’t care. They were just plants. My mom loved them. I never understood that about her. They were green, with way too many leaves and some of them never bloomed. You can’t call a flower that doesn’t bloom a flower. But they had leaves, my sweet heaven, they had leaves! And the leaves would gather dust and she would make us clean them all the time and I for one always thought that the only reason she kept those things around was because she wanted to see me suffer as I clean every single leaf. (Did I mention they had many?)

Anyway, we had this flower that I won’t even try to name since I have no idea what it was. It never bloomed. I watched it every day like the perfect poster child for OCD that I am. For years, nothing happened. Back then though I knew what that felt like. I could relate to that pathetic flower. It simply existed. No reason. No purpose. No use. It just was. 

I didn’t have an easy childhood and my mom kept saying how one day God will change everything for us. She kept praying for it. I hated it when she wanted us to pray with her. I never believed in her God or His help. I didn’t tell her that though. And she kept praying. And I kept losing hope.
I got used to nothing changing. I got used to just existing. Just being. 

For years I woke up with the same ache in my throat each day, the same way the words would catch behind my teeth, the same disorientation when I would wake up away from my grandmother that raised me, the same limbo, the same heartache.

Things were not changing. Not for good at least. And I kept getting angrier and angrier with this God that could help but refused to. It felt like my heart was swelling inside me to the point of breaking my ribs. And one day I think it did. Because I ended up in a Church, hearing words that reached me and I went home and I sat down on the floor. I folded my legs and put the palms of my hands together. I only got out “God,” and then I started to cry. Not the ugly cry the last time my heart got smashed, or the primal wail when my grandfather died. This was different — both mightier and gentler, it just poured out of me. It was so, so big — each breath, a fresh tide of tears spilling over my lashes and down my cheeks. 

I didn’t even know how to ask for what I wanted, all I knew was that it was the first time I didn’t need Him to do anything, just have me. Make me His. I was nobody’s for a really long time. I wanted to be His. 

The earth didn’t shatter, I heard no voice nor seen anything. It just felt real. More real than even the air I was breathing.I think that was the first time I was actually breathing.
After I finished vomiting my soul on that floor I went to wash my face. When I was done I saw the stupid flower. I am sure it was there before, but it’s only then I saw it had little red buds everywhere. I didn’t need Him to split the sea or write on a wall with His very hand. It was enough I saw that. I watched that flower for years and it never did anything. Completely useless until that day. Just like me until He found me. 

Things haven't changed for a long time even after that. That's not the happy ending in this story. The happy ending is that I was lost and I was found. 
 
I still don’t like flowers.



Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה

2 comments:

  1. Cristina, Your writing is very refreshing in a world sometimes full of pain, struggle and the deceit of men. HaShem bless you continually as you walk before Him in love.

    My favorite line, "I don't like flowers." And my second favorite line, "I still don't like flowers." Now I don't laugh too too often and yet such a heartfelt memory still has me laughing (thanks). For I see Yeshua in you, and your writings are evident of the Husbandman's work through Christ The True Vine (John 15:1-5).

    Last week was really hard, I thought this weekend I'd rest and everything'd be better, but somehow already this week is even harder and it's only Monday. But Adonai be praised for He puts nothing more upon us than we can bear. Halleluyah.

    Psa 103:1-5
    (1) A Psalm of David. Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.
    (2) Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:
    (3) Who forgives all thine iniquities; who heals all thy diseases;
    (4) Who redeems thy life from destruction; who crowns thee with loving kindness and tender mercies;
    (5) Who satisfies thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.

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  2. Thank you so much for your words :)
    I am really glad that it made you laugh even a little. Sorry to hear about your week and your struggle, I pray that you'd be given peace, strength and joy in Him.
    May HaShem bless you and protect you,
    Shalom!

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