Ever since I believed in Adonai and His beloved Son Yeshua; ever since I began following after Him… ever since I fell for the first time and tried to get back up –I never stopped asking Him: ‘was it worth it? Your life for mine –was it really worth it? The moment You traded Your life for mine, You got stuck with me… and now you actually get to see just how ungrateful I am… do You still think this is really all worth it? Are those scars that mark You for all eternity for my sake, really worth it?’
I wouldn’t consider asking Him these questions when I praise Him, or when I am in my ‘super-spiritual mode’ because I have a pretty good opinion about myself then, but when I find myself flat on my face after yet another fall, or when I catch myself feeling better than another believer that means the world to Him, or when I dwell in pride thinking I am so great and taking credit for something that I would have never been able to do in the first place were it not for Him… when I actually comprehend my own sinful condition, I can’t help but ask Him those questions.
Knowing from the beginning that I’d be like this, He still went willingly to His death. Knowing that my ‘good deeds’ that I often think of as great sacrifices for His sake will bring Him little comfort, He still sacrificed it all. Knowing that my love will never measure up to His, He still loved me all the way. And knowing that my scars are mostly self inflicted and are there to remind Him only that I loved another more than Him, He still allowed it to be scarred for all eternity for me.
He didn’t have to endure just death for my sake. No. He actually gets to suffer all my selfishness with which I pursue my dreams. He gets to see all my ungratefulness whenever I look at what He’s doing and deem it lacking. I force Him to defend His beloved ones against me. I cause His tears every chance I get and never stop to wipe them away. I cry my eyes out that I love Him and yet I fail to show it when it counts. I break His heart at every turn and don’t even stop to ask if it’s hurting. I am so not worth it!
He’s in an abusive relationship with me, yet He doesn’t seek to free Himself from me. I abuse His love and His forgiveness and His understanding and His grace and act like He’ll be fine, but when God forbid, things don’t go my way I act as if I am the one abused or hurt and expect Him to redeem every tear I cry and every ounce of pain I feel.
When Christians talk about the GOOD NEWS of the Gospel, they present it as a relationship, but more often than not, it’s me praying enough or singing enough or doing enough so that He will do what I want Him to do. If I’d have that sort of relationship with anyone else, I’d cut whatever tied me to that person and run as fast as my legs can carry me. Yet somehow, I think that He should be happy in this pathetic excuse of a relationship that I offer and He never complains. He always rises from the ashes and all I do is make Him burn.
When I was younger and thought I knew better, I use to tell people about how much I loved Him and tried to inspire others to love Him the same way. Now that I am a little older and realize I know close to nothing, I can only tell people of how much He loves me and hope they get to realize how loved they are as well.
I know I am loved beyond all reason even if Adonai has tested all my beautiful words and all my carefully spoken declarations. He allowed me to go up to the heavens to see He’s there. He allowed me to make my bed in the depths and left me lingering there for as long as I wanted just to see He’s there as well. He allowed me to hide myself in the darkness thinking that it will hide me from Him, but His light has reached me even there. I’ve been back and forth, up and down only to see at the end of it all, that He’s still there. He made me stand on my own feet when all I wanted to do was fall to my knees. He made it His mission to unlock the potential within me. He lifted my head when all I wanted was to bow it. He lifted my hands towards the havens while they were still broken. He taught me how to smile my joy and how to hurt through my pain. He strengthened my very core so that I could withstand any enemy. He doesn’t know how to love but with everything He’s got and that’s how He loves me.
A few weeks back I heard someone saying in a most passionate manner ‘I love God and there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for Him!’ I only smiled and so I was asked ‘don’t you?’ I kept silent and the believer kept talking as to convince me that if we love God we should declare that love so that people will know. I saw a younger version of myself in that person and so I said ‘I hope that you will always feel that way even after He is done testing all those beautiful words but mostly I pray that when He’s done with you, you’ll know not how much you love Him, but how much He loves you!’
That’s what I pray for all those that will read this article. That at the end of whatever it is you’re going through you will as Paul said “have the power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ”.
Bat Melech בת מלך
my book 'The King's daughter' here.