and it has not appeared as yet what we will be...

“God changes caterpillars in butterflies, sand into pearls and coals into diamonds, using only pressure and time, He is working on you too!”

Most of the time I feel sick of myself and my human nature. I seem to have an opinion about every person I meet and I do not need more than five minutes to label anyone (most of the time the wrong label), but the minute someone offers an opinion about me (and God forbids for it not to be “the right one”) I am indignant.

I expect everyone to fulfil the Scriptures to the letter and I seem to know for sure that they have no excuse if they get it wrong. But when it comes to me I always find an explanation as to why I couldn’t or I didn’t…

I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible for me to love my neighbour as myself, to protect him as I do myself and find him excuses as I find for myself. I am sick of the way I do not know how to love…

I have come to say as the Psalmist “But I am like a worm instead of a man” (Psalm 22:6) and I am not saying this as a form of false humility, I actually feel this way. But Adonai in His goodness always reminds me of the words from Yeshayahu (Isaiah) 41:14 “Don’t be afraid even though you are weak as a worm, I myself will help you”

I am not contesting the fact that I am but a worm for now…nor do I believe that if I start to proclaim that I am a butterfly I will become one. I aspire to become a butterfly, but I am not there yet and I can tell that by the way that I crawl. Do I despair because of it? No! And this is not because I trust in my ability to become a butterfly, but because I trust in the One who did not despise my weak beginning and still does not despise it even if I am about to start again for the thousandth time. I don’t despair not even when I begin to feel but another face in the crowd…a grain in the sand among the other billions of grains, because I know He dressed me in Himself and He won’t let go until I become a pearl in Him. Is it pleasant to be isolated? No. Is it pleasant for you to be the one who’s different than the rest of grains of sand, for you to be the one not allowed to be like the rest, not to have fun like the rest and have the same things they do? No. Is it pleasant to be squeezed from all sides until there is nothing left of you? No! Is it worth it? ABSOLUTELY! Because I know that when He will finish His work in me no one will ever call me again “grain of sand” but “pearl”.

I don’t like my state right now, but I understood that it is ok for me not to like it because I was not born to but be a worm, a grain of sand or charcoal even though that is how I look right now. I am in the process of becoming a butterfly, a pearl, a diamond…

By its nature charcoal tarnishes everything it ever comes in contact with. That is how I was for a long time, but I have been touched by The One who instead of getting dirty when He touched me, He cleaned me instead. I don’t know how. I still find it hard to think of myself as a piece of charcoal but I know that by faith when He looks at me He sees a diamond.


Bat Melech בת מלך
 Cristina כריסטינה
translated by Emanuela Robinson