After ignoring my
blog for quite some time I decided to write a post.
For those that
kept asking me questions regarding my blog: Yes, I am still alive! No, I haven’t
lost myself along the way. Yes, I still write even if not online. Yes, I will
continue writing on my blog, even if it won’t be as often as I would like.
Moving on...
Last night I had
a dream where I was standing in front of a group of people and I was singing
Kumi Ori (Arise, shine). Someone from the crowd asked, „what do these words
mean?” and I quoted “Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of
the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness
is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you.”
(Isaiah 60:1-2)
When I woke up I
started thinking. I don’t know about others but I for one don’t feel like I
shine too much. There are people close to me that don’t need to be asked twice
before they’ll tell you everything they see wrong about my light. Many times
even I give myself headaches with how my light switches on and off worse than a
cheap Christmas tree light. And I would love to be constant, to be this
super-human that every time she opens her mouth only wisdom and spiritual words
come forth. The sort of person that starting with facial expressions or gestures
and ending with actions does only good and wonderful deeds and seems really „zen”,
but unfortunately Asian philosophy and I never got along.
People have this
image in their mind of what one that calls himself a „follower of Yeshua” should
look like and if you can’t reach that standard they label you as „fake” and you
end up labeling yourself as such as well. Thus some people begin trying to
overcompensate for that unworthy feeling by acting over-spiritual, which at its
best looks plain ridiculous and at its worst ends up judging others that either
haven’t learned to fake it as good as them or simply don’t want to.
Beloved, I am not
Light. I only testify about The Light. The true Light that gives light to
everyone coming into the world. (John 1:9) If you look at me and expect me
to shine just like The Light, I will let you down. Only He is good – at best I
can imitate His goodness and even that sometimes falls short of expectations.
Only He is perfect – at best I can desire to be clean. Only His thoughts are
good, mine are often envious, critical or just plain mean. And it’s easy for me
to be mean because I don’t have to fight to edit anything about myself. It’s
really not easy to transform myself in His image. And try as I might, I
inevitably end up leaking meanness. But I keep fighting to transform myself and
look less like me and more like Him. So if you see me sometimes defeated by my own
nature and that makes you feel all good about yourself and you end up
thinking, „see, she’s no better!” – you have a big Like from me and I offer you
my congratulations on the outstanding sharp eye, but I’ll let you in on a
secret: I am no better! I am a sinner that Adonai took pity on and have opened my
eyes to see His goodness and in His light I see The Light. (Ps 36:9)
If I stand in The
Light and I say that about myself, it doesn’t mean that I believe myself to be
above others. It only means that I have placed myself in the most vulnerable
place of all. In order to have Him, I made myself visible, for all to see and
inspect. In order to be in The Light’s range you have to become vulnerable,
because even the smallest imperfection becomes obvious to everyone that cares
to look. I am not standing in The Light due to me feeling superior to others,
but because I’m simply like a moth that is attracted to Light without caring how
hideous it appears in The Light.
I am like Adam
that understood he was naked, but instead of hiding, I shamelessly stand in The
Light because I don’t stand through my own excellence but through The One that
died for me in order to cover my nakedness in the eyes of The Father.
„This is the
verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of
light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light,
and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21
But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen
plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.” (John
3:19-21)
If someone thinks
that he or she is more illuminated than me, congratulations! But know that a sign that
you are in The Light is that you’re blind to everyone's else nakedness. It’s
like being on a stage and all the stage lights are on you - you can’t see beyond the
stage. You only see the light.
I pray that
everyone that reads this message will have the courage and the strength to stay in The
Light no matter how many are those that point their fingers at you.
Maybe this wasn’t
the most inspired post for a comeback on blogger, but there you have it.
Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה
