Still

Does it hurt you eyes Adonai, to look at me?
If I drown in darkness, can You still see me?
If I get lost again, do You still want to find me?
And if again I return homeless to Your home, do You receive me?

If i get scattered by fear, do You still want to gather me?
If despair ties me, will You still untie me?
If I try looking for excuses do You still want to understand them?
And if You see others better than me, do You still choose me?

Do You still cry because it hurts to see me crying?
Do You still run to catch me if You see me falling?
Do You still hear me calling even if You don't see me talking?
If I stopped and I don't know where I am, do You still wait for me dreaming?

Even If You got tired, Adonai, continue to look at me,
Still search for me, find me, receive me,
Still gather me, untie me, understand me,
Still choose me, catch me, hear me,
Still dream of me... still believe that I'll return and wait for me!

Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה

I know

I’ve always known that Adonai loves people. I’ve always known that He is merciful and kind and just and good. I don’t know why or how, but I’ve always known it. Maybe it’s because I heard it said so many times that I got to know it for a fact, or maybe because I wanted to believe that even though what I saw around me disproved that fact. Either way, I knew what He is suppose to be like and every time something happened that challenged my so called belief, I would end up a mess, not knowing what to think of Adonai any more. I’d come up with lines like ‘I know you are a good God, so why? Why do You allow this to happen?’ and every time I had to accept the fact that there is no answer. But I was wrong.

In Judaism there is a saying that if you ask the wrong question you cannot expect the right answer, so I had to conclude that my questions were silly, not because they were questioning God and that’s a ‘no, no’, but because I had wrong expectations.

I didn’t understand that my knowledge of His attributes was just knowledge until He taught me.

So, if I say today that God is good, it means that I’ve been more than a thousand times in a place where He could have ignored me because of my unfaithfulness, but He chose to show me goodness.

If I say today that God is merciful, that means that I have been pitiful in His eyes more times than I can count, but He chose to show mercy to this silly child of His.

If I say today that God is slow in anger, it means that I gave Him reasons to get angry with me dozens of times, yet He chose not to be angry.

If I say today that God is a loving God, it most certainly does not mean that He was nice to me, but it means that He found enough strength in His heart to love me and love me until death, not with words or songs or embraces, but dying in my place and loving me even from beyond the grave, so much so that He resurrected for me.

If I say today that God is forgiving, it’s not because I’ve learned by heart the ‘4 steps to get to heaven’ but because I was in need of forgiveness countless times and every time He looked at me and couldn’t bear the thought that I am tormented by the guilt of sin, so He cleansed me every time.

If I know today that God never lets me go it’s not because I heard it in a song, but because I fell so many times that no one in this world or the next would ever have hoped for me again, but He was always there, always waiting that I would hope in Him enough to get up and keep going.

If I say today that God is faithful, it’s because no one has ever been as unfaithful to Him as I was, yet He always… always remained faithful to me.

Adonai is good! Adonai is merciful! Adonai is kind and graceful! Adonai is loving! Adonai is forgiving! Adonai is slow in anger! Adonai is faithful!

People look at a tsunami hitting a country or the fact that there are wars and innocent children die and they decide that there is no way that God can be good, but God doesn’t perform shows for the world to be in owe, He doesn’t do things to impress the crowds, but for the individual, so that no one could ever say ‘yes, we are all just a sea of faces to Him’ but so that every one would know that God reveals His love to each one as if it were the only one in the world.

Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה

Unlike any other

Listen to me, house of Ya`akov, and all the remnant of the house of Yisra'el, that have been borne [by Me] from their birth, that have been carried from the womb; and even to old age I am He, and even to gray hairs will I carry you. I have made, and I will bear; yes, I will carry, and will deliver. To whom will you liken Me and make Me equal, and compare Me that we may be like? – Yeshayahu/ Isaiah 46:3-5

Adonai decided to carry me even from before I was born, even before He could benefit from me, even before I got to choose right or wrong and even before I got to sadden His heart, although He knew me well… He chose me even before I got to promise Him that I will follow after Him. He carried me on His shoulder until I was able to walk on my own and then observing that my steps were slowed by many burdens, He supported me. I got so used to be carried and supported, that sometimes I took that for granted and being blinded by this world didn’t help me either. So it was hard to train my mind and heart to understand that if I stand, it’s because He won’t let me fall – if I breathe it’s because He never seizes to whisper in my darkness ‘breathe!’ – if I don’t get blind it’s because He is my Light and if I live it’s because He lives within me.

I tried to compare Him to familiar things from my own limited world, so that I could understand Him more. I tried to think of Him as a father, then as a lover, or a hero, or deliverer, but all these are as incomplete as my understanding.

To whom will I liken Him so I would understand His heart? If I compare Him to an earthly father, even if I would think of the best father there is, a father cannot carry you forever because his time with you and his life is limited, how could a father carry you until your hair turns gray? Adonai’s fatherly figure in my life is limited by my understanding of what a father is.

Compare Him to a lover? A human can love you only conditionally… his/her love is always conditioned by time, or circumstances, or failures, or even successes and the dreams that keep changing. If I would have to consider even the greatest love in history, it still doesn’t help me understand His love.

Should I compare Him to a hero? A hero can save the day once and then it’s up to you to save yourself. Even if I would compare Him to the bravest hero there is, I still wouldn’t understand how much courage He used to die for me, to resurrect for me, to ascend to the heavens for me all the while hoping that my blind heart will see beyond thousands of years that He is everything… He hoped against all odds that my deaf ears will hear beyond all the space that separates us that He loves me.

To whom shall I compare Him? There is no one in any dimension or book, or dream or reality that is like Him. The heavens cannot contain Him let alone my heart. He’s got countless angels and heavenly beings that praise Him and their light would blind these eyes made of flesh, still He humbles Himself to support someone like me who is not even worthy to look upon His majesty. He never gets tired to lift me from my failures, He never gets tired of hoping, He never gets tired of loving me and support me and if I hear it or not, He never stops calling me beyond time and space to tell me ‘I love you’.

I won’t compare You to anyone anymore, Adonai, my King. You are everything to me. I am from You, through You and for You and no matter how much I treasure other things, You Adonai… You are thousands of miles higher than anything I may consider high.

Bat Melech בת מלך Cristina כריסטינה

Breathing Life

The LORD God formed man from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul. Bereishit/ Genesis 2:7

Adonai created the man and because He loved the man, He didn’t tie Adam to Himself with an umbilical cord, forcing Adam to depend on Him, but Adonai created Adam with the a will of his own, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and man became a living soul. A soul that can think and feel on its own, a soul that would be able to breath on it’s own after that first breath. But Adam didn’t understand that his ‘lungs’ have been created to breath only in the presence of the Holy One, so he tried breathing the toxic air of sin, which lead to his death and the degradation of the whole world, thus making the air unbreathable for all humans. The Creator, seeing His creation’s suffering, became moved with pity and so decided to make a way for humans to breath again. Nothing could change the world’s atmosphere and purify its air, but Yeshua was sent by The Father, to become a breathing device, that anyone that chooses Him, can benefit from clean air. Yeshua didn’t come to change the whole world, but only those that would want to be changed by Him. And the way change occurs, is by spending time in the Word of God which has been inspired with Life (2 Timothy 3:16), just like Adam was when he took that first breath that gave him life.

Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה

Obsession

“Does he not see my ways and count my every step?” Job 31:4

Adonai is obsessed with man. I don’t make this statement easily, quite the opposite, if there would be a stronger word than “obsession” to describe the way He feels about us, I would use that word.
One of the definitions of obsession is: inadequate image or idea, constantly present in ones consciousness, abnormally and persistently; tormenting preoccupation. I am the inadequate image unfit for His holiness, constantly present in His mind, up to becoming a tormenting preoccupation for Him. I don’t know why He loves me in this almost insane way, but I don’t even think I need to understand. What I know is that I am always before His eyes, to compensate for the fact that I can’t see Him. He always listens to me to compensate for me not being able to hear Him. He always holds me to compensate for me not being able to touch Him. He is always near to compensate for the distance that I feel. He always comforts me to compensate that I feel Him against me. He is my Father to compensate for the fact that I feel orphaned. He is my road to compensate for me feeling lost.. He is my everything, to compensate for me not having anything…
He camps His angels around me (Psalm 34:7) as if He would guard His most precious. He engraved the palms of His hands with me (Isaiah 49:16) so that I would understand that He loves me.
He waits after me on my ways not His, until He come s to know them well, but He still doesn’t give up on me. He gathers every tear and safeguards it, though many of the tears I cried were against Him. But He knows the pain that caused them so He does not despise it. He counts every step that I take and He knows exactly how many steps there are between me and my dream, between me and Him… And He never quits whispering to me to carry on walking. He never grows tired to believe for me, He never grows tired to hope for me, He never grows tired to pick me up, to guide me, to forgive me, to have me. A man may love, but if the subject of his love is consistently faulty he grows tired of his love, but God is not the same. “He will not falter or be discouraged till he establishes justice on earth. “ (Isaiah 42:4a)
My hope does not lay in the fact that one day I will hold my head high before Him, my hope lays in the love that He has for me. That love great enough to motivate Him to not give up on me until he will establish justice on this earth that is me.

Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה

Translated by Emma to whom I am really grateful

Framed

“My dear children, you belong to God and have defeated them; because God's Spirit, who is in you, is greater than the devil, who is in the world.” 1 John 4:4 

 In Charles Dickens’s book, “Nicholas Nickleby”, the author describes a phrase scribbled on the walls of a boarding school “Fear him who formed thy frame”. I had these words in my mind all day. Who created my frame/my limits? Who told me how much I can do and how far I can go? When Adonai created everything there is, He framed it all in certain patterns. For example, the bear was created a bear and it knew from the beginning, what it’s supposed to eat and what not, where it can live and where it can’t. A bear doesn’t sit around pondering “Am I everything that I can be?” A bear understands that it is everything that it must be and it doesn’t have higher goals than being a bear. This is its frame/ its limit. Same is applicable to everything else that was created. All things have their own characteristics and limitations and they don’t “feel” the need to achieve nor become something else. Why then isn’t man the same as everything else that was created? Why can’t I just accept my limits? Why can’t I simply understand that perhaps this is all that was allowed for me to know? Why do I always feel the need to know more? Why can’t I just be satisfied with what I am? Why do I seek to grow more, to dream more, to question more? Why do I always ask myself whether I am everything that I can be? Why is someone who is born in a less privileged part of the society unable to accept their level and always aims to do better, to be more? Why is man always so desperate to break his limits and as such attempts to break record after record only to shout from the top of his lungs “I can do more!”? I never saw a horse wishing to be a leopard and train in becoming a good hunter to reach its goal. Its frame was to be a horse. But me…I can’t accept my frame! Tell me that I can’t do it and I’ll prove to you I’ll find a way to make it happen. Tell me it’s not for me and I’ll do the impossible to make it mine. Tell me I’m not enough and I’ll stretch, I’ll reinvent, redefine myself all to become more than enough. Is it out of rebellion? Who created my frame? Who am I rebelling against? I had these questions in me all day and in the end I got it that Adonai created us limitless, as He is. But the enemy came, bound our eyes and told us we are naked and weak, that we can’t, and that we are but dust. He created our frame and we carry it inside ourselves. And as if this would not be bad enough he also scribbled on the walls of our minds “fear him who formed thy frame”. Adonai comes and tells us “don’t believe what you see, believe that you can. I created you in My own image! Believe in Me!”, but I’m sitting there helpless in my frame, shaking out of fear of the one who framed me. What my enemy doesn’t know though, is that there isn’t a frame strong enough to hold me. Adonai created me limitless enough so that only His heart could contain me. And no matter what frame satan would try to put me in, it can’t contain the image of The Living One living in me. That’s why I am not afraid of the one who framed me, because I see in his frame nothing else but another opportunity for the One within me to smash it to pieces. Bat Melech בת מלך Cristina כריסטינה Translated by Emma

Faithful

“He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.” Devarim/ Deuteronomy 32:4

Today, I’ve been challenged to think of Adonai’s faithfulness and my conclusion was that in this relationship in which we both are and in which we promised faithfulness to one another, He was always involved with all His being, whilst I gave Him little scrapes of nothing, which instead of throwing away, He cherished as if He would’ve seen all the riches in them.
There wasn’t anybody else in His eyes but me. ..whilst I smeared my eyes looking towards things that made Him jealous and made Him sad. I lost myself countless times and just as many times I promised Him it won’t happen again, but it did…and instead of losing His hope, He remembered His covenant with me. He came to look for me every single time, and every single time He found me. Instead of leaving me to my own devices He stood by me and put up with me when I was shouting “You don’t love me!” Perhaps He would’ve liked to leave at least not to see me for a while, instead He became The Rock, and stood in one place, unmovable, to prove to me that even though I might be blown in all directions, He remains unshakable and He doesn’t leave no matter what would try to move Him. He took my face in His hands that were marked by nails that were meant to mark me, and told me that He loved me but I pretended I can't hear Him. When I left, He waited. When I came back, He received me. When I cried, He parted the heavens and came down. His Hands became comfort and He didn’t let go until I forgot why I started crying in the first place. When I laughed, He declared it a feast, and He rejoiced over me as one might rejoice over all the treasures. When I gave up, He stopped besides me and stood silent until I had the good will to see that He is still next to me and He deserves for me to carry on for His sake. My Beloved and My Lord, never had anything to gain from loving me. Every time I turned towards Him, He acted as if I never done anything wrong. Never reproaching me and all He forgave as if I never hurt Him, never even giving me a bad look. He always looked at me with the same eyes full lovinkindness, as if He always saw in me His eternal love.
When I understood how unfaithful I was, I stopped. A dear brother of mine (Ionel) once said that when you love someone, that person’s life should be better for being loved by you. I understood that it is not better for Him with the way I pretend to love Him. I wanted to tell Him to go, because I hurt Him too much and surely it would be better for Him without me, but He took me in His arms and held me so tight that he almost took my breath away. He shouted in my ears so that I could hear Him with my heart and my spirit “perhaps you can be an eternity without Me, but I can’t. I’m not letting go!”
How could I resist such love?
We’re not the “perfect couple” yet. I’m still His weaker, clumsier, all over the place half. But where I amaze by ugliness, He shines brighter to cover my shame. The fact that Adonai is faithful is not just an interesting phrase. If anyone wants evidence that He is so, they can look at me, because no one was more unfaithful than me, and I don’t think that He was more faithful to anyone than He was to me.


Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה
Translated by Emma to whom I am really grateful

Strangers

Him who glories

Thus says the LORD, Don't let the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, don't let the rich man glory in his riches; but let him who glories glory in this, that he has understanding, and knows me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice, and righteousness, in the eretz: for in these things I delight, says the LORD. - Yirmiyahu/ Jeremiah 9:23-24

If I would have enough wisdom to know all secrets and all knowledge but due to it I would start to doubt that Adonai IS, how would my knowledge benefit me?
How would it benefit me to know the speed of sound if I wouldn't understand that when nothingness heard the sound of Adonai's voice it started to come into shape? Why should I know that light travels with such speed that no common unit of measurement can be used to evaluate it the ordinary way, if I wouldn't understand that Adonai is the Light that shines in my darkness? Why should I know Earth's total mass if I wouldn't know that Adonai holds it in the palm of His hand? How would it be any use to me knowing that our galaxy alone has more than 200 billion stars, if I wouldn't understand that Adonai knows each and every one of them by name? How would it help me to have all wealth if I wouldn't know that it means nothing in Adonai's value system? How would it benefit me to have all strength and not know that His strength is made perfect in my weakness? Why should I fight for anything if I wouldn't know that He is Conqueror? Why should I breath if I wouldn't know the breath of life? Why should I know the anatomy of the human body if I wouldn't know that man was made in Adonai's image? Why should I know silence if I wouldn't know how to find Adonai in it? Why should I ever love if I wouldn't know that Love died and resurrected for my sake? Why should I even be if I wouldn't understand that above all things HE IS?
Should I glory in my wisdom? There are billions of things that I don't know in the seen world let alone in the unseen world, but I do know the One that made them both. I don't know any scientific fact of great importance, but I do know that Adonai is the One who exercises lovingkindness, justice, and righteousness, in the earth. Everything else in science is just an upgraded version of this statement.


Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה

That's my King!

My King was born King. The Bible says He's a Seven Way King. He's the King of the Jews - that's an Ethnic King. He's the King of Israel - that's a National King. He's the King of righteousness. He's the King of the ages. He's the King of Heaven. He's the King of glory. He's the King of kings and He is the Lord of lords. Now that's my King.

Well, I wonder if you know Him. Do you know Him? Don't try to mislead me. Do you know my King? David said the Heavens declare the glory of God, and the firmament shows His handiwork. My King is the only one of whom there are no means of measure that can define His limitless love. No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of the shore of His supplies. No barriers can hinder Him from pouring out His blessing.

He's enduringly strong. He's entirely sincere. He's eternally steadfast. He's immortally graceful. He's imperially powerful. He's impartially merciful. That's my King. He's God's Son. He's the sinner's saviour. He's the centerpiece of civilization. He stands alone in Himself. He's honest. He's unique. He's unparalleled. He's unprecedented. He's supreme. He's pre-eminent. He's the grandest idea in literature. He's the highest personality in philosophy. He's the supreme problem in higher criticism. He's the fundamental doctrine of historic theology. He's the carnal necessity of spiritual religion. That's my King.

He's the miracle of the age. He's the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him. He's the only one able to supply all our needs simultaneously. He supplies strength for the weak. He's available for the tempted and the tried. He sympathizes and He saves. He's the Almighty God who guides and keeps all his people. He heals the sick. He cleanses the lepers. He forgives sinners. He discharged debtors. He delivers the captives. He defends the feeble. He blesses the young. He serves the unfortunate. He regards the aged. He rewards the diligent and He beautifies the meek. That's my King.

Do you know Him? Well, my King is a King of knowledge. He's the wellspring of wisdom. He's the doorway of deliverance. He's the pathway of peace. He's the roadway of righteousness. He's the highway of holiness. He's the gateway of glory. He's the master of the mighty. He's the captain of the conquerors. He's the head of the heroes. He's the leader of the legislatures. He's the overseer of the overcomers. He's the governor of governors. He's the prince of princes. He's the King of kings and He's the Lord of lords. That's my King.

His office is manifold. His promise is sure. His light is matchless. His goodness is limitless. His mercy is everlasting. His love never changes. His Word is enough. His grace is sufficient. His reign is righteous. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I wish I could describe Him to you . . . but He's indescribable. That's my King. He's incomprehensible, He's invincible, and He is irresistible.

I'm coming to tell you this, that the heavens of heavens can't contain Him, let alone some man explain Him. You can't get Him out of your mind. You can't get Him off of your hands. You can't outlive Him and you can't live without Him. The Pharisees couldn't stand Him, but they found out they couldn't stop Him. Pilate couldn't find any fault in Him. The witnesses couldn't get their testimonies to agree about Him. Herod couldn't kill Him. Death couldn't handle Him and the grave couldn't hold Him. That's my King.

He always has been and He always will be. I'm talking about the fact that He had no predecessor and He'll have no successor. There's nobody before Him and there'll be nobody after Him. You can't impeach Him and He's not going to resign. That's my King! That's my King!

Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory. Well, all the power belongs to my King. We're around here talking about black power and white power and green power, but in the end all that matters is God's power. Thine is the power. Yeah. And the glory. We try to get prestige and honor and glory for ourselves, but the glory is all His. Yes. Thine is the Kingdom and the power and glory, forever and ever and ever and ever. How long is that? Forever and ever and ever and ever. . . And when you get through with all of the ever's, then . . .Amen!

Dr. S. M. Lockeridge




Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina כריסטינה

רק אדוני

אני כבר למעלה ולמטה, קדימה ואחורה אדוני אתה תמיד שם בשבילי. תודה לך אדוני. אתה היחיד שחשוב לי. בשבילך
אני עושה כל מה שאני עושה. בשבילך, אני כל כך אני ... מעל כל הדברים אני שלך. אני אוהבת אותך אדוני



בת מלך
כריסטינה

Yiddishkeit

Prayer

Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina

Rain in the desert

I was writing yesterday about the way my earth has turned into pure desert, that I don't just go through the desert and when my desert will end and I'll reach some other form of land my state of mind will change, but I have turned into a desert. I was talking to Emma last night and I was telling her that what go through is not a depression that I can't overcome because I am too self involved, but is just a place I've reached where all I can do is be silent, a place where I don't demand my rights anymore, I don't yearn for the mountains I used to be on top of nor the still waters, it's just a place where I accept the fact that this is the road that Adonai is taking me on, it's only that the sun has burned everything in me and reduced it to sand. The reasons I am silent are few...one> because the desert is no mountain and it can't carry your echo, so you can yell as much as you want because it won't make a difference ... second> I accept the fact that I didn't end up here because I disobeyed Him and that I won't get out of here because of my righteousness, but some things are meant to be lived and only after you go through them you can say if they were useful or not... and third> I asked Adonai once to make me feel His heart and sadly He's been listening to me ever since. There is a verse in Zephaniah 3:17 that says Adonai is silent in His love ... there were many times when Adonai called me to do something and I pretended I didn't hear, or I postponed it because other things were more important to me, so what was He suppose to do with me? Kill me? beat me? Yell at me? write with His hand on the sky that it's for my own good? No... Adonai was silent in His love even though I stood condemned and now I am silent even though my flesh is condemning Him, because I love Him.
I didn't get much sleep last night thinking what can 'repair' this desert of mine and the only logical thing is rain. Yeshua said He is the Water of life. It's Him that i need. It's for Him that I am silent. It's because of Him that I'm a desert. I don't need mountains, I don't need better circumstances, I don't need cheap joys, I don't need still waters, I need the Living Water. I wait for Him with every grain of sand that I am... with everything that's dry within me I make room for Him to come and rain me blessings. I need Him to caress my sand and His touch of pure rain to transform me into a garden. I don't need Him to take me up on the mountain, I don't have my mind set on building 3 tabernacles like Kefa, I don't look for revelations greater than the touch of His rain that would bring forth fruit in me. His touch has no purpose if it doesn't transform me. If I want to be touched by Him only for the thrill of the supernatural, then i can stay on that superficial level as much as I chose and always be the same. His touch changes, whatever is sick is healed, whatever is broken gets repaired, whatever is fainting He strengthens. There is no grater miracle than to hang on to an unseen God with both your hands. I don't need to see the dead coming to life because I've felt my own death becoming life in His presence. I don't need no 'favor of God' theory nor prosperity teachings to prove me that whatever He promises He fulfills. I am not amazed by people that speak in tongues, or fall down or prophecy, or do wonders, but I am amazed when I see steadfast people that come what may, they stand with Adonai. The supernatural things are natural for God, but to see a lost soul turning to Him, now that calls for a party in heavens. There is no greater miracle than to see all things coming together to break a man's trust in God, to prove to him that his faith is in vain, but that man just won't let go of the robe he grabbed. It's not a miracle to be up on the mountain! It's a miracle to carry the mountain in your heart when you've turned into a desert.
I don't need words to lift me up because I didn't fall, I am still me just in a different form and the only thing I need it's Him... my rain, my smile, my heart... Only Him.
Come Yeshua and let Your rain touch me and then I'll bring forth fruit and You'll be pleased with me. Every grain of sand within me waits for You and I look at You like slaves look to the hand of their master, although I am Your daughter... When my sand will see You Yeshua it won't be able to not be fruitful...
אני כאן, בבקשה לבוא ישוע עכשיו אתה המלך שלי אני שלך
I thought that the desert becoming a garden after rain is just a nice theory but I found a video that speaks for itself.
And I will make with them a covenant of peace, and will cause the evil beasts to cease out of the land: and they shall dwell safely in the wilderness, and sleep in the woods. And I will make them and the places round about my hill a blessing; and I will cause the shower to come down in his season; there shall be showers of blessing. And the tree of the field shall yield her fruit, and the earth shall yield her increase, and they shall be safe in their land, and shall know that I [am] the LORD, when I have broken the bands of their yoke, and delivered them out of the hand of those that served themselves of them. -Yechezkel/ Ezechiel 34:25-27


Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina

Desert

Everything has changed in my life in the past couple of weeks, actually it changed in such a way that I didn't even have time to react or protest or adjust, just time to resign. I was telling Ioana yesterday that I feel like a kid that's taken to the doctor to get a shot and no matter how much he cries or fights it or fears it, it won't change the fact that he will get the medicine even if he's held down by others. The medicine itself has a good effect on the kid but all he knows is the weak feeling that breaks him to such a degree that he knows that tears don't count for anything so it's pointless to cry them.
Maybe at the core things wouldn't be so dramatic if one would look at them from the outside but I think that to be opinionated when it comes to someone's experiences would imply that you've been breathing through his lungs, you've been seeing through his eyes, you've been feeling through his heart, been hurt through his flesh and got hit through his skin. No one walked in my flesh, no one endured through my soul except Yeshua that is in me and that can see everything from within me... only He can have an opinion concerning me...
In the last couple of weeks I told myself 'breath!' more than I had to in 10 years. Why 'breath'? Because sometimes I panic so bad about the fact that everything in my life shows like Adonai left me that I need to remind myself He is there and the proof of that is that I am still breathing. If He would ever stop thinking about me I would cease to be.
So I breath as deep as I can... But it doesn't change the fact that it feels like everything I touch lately crumbles in my hands to such a degree that all the earth that I'm made of turns to sand. I already have so much sand and there's such a desert within me that the Sahara Desert seems small in comparison. I don't feel like I go through a desert because that would mean that at some point the desert will end, but I am the desert, so what hope is there left for me? Friday evening I was reading some words found in the book Yeshayahu written in huge letters up on a wall:
'The voice of one who cries, Prepare you in the wilderness the way of the LORD; make level in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low; and the uneven shall be made level, and the rough places a plain: and the glory of the LORD shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together; for the mouth of the LORD has spoken it.' - Yeshayahu/ Isaiah 40:3-5

I've been obsessed with these words ever since. You want a way made for You in my wilderness Adonai? Why don't you want a way made for You near a river or near something that actually brings forth fruit, why do You want a way made for You through all this endless sand?
I end up underestimating HaShem's love for me all the time. I always forget He is endless. I always forget He is love. I always forget He's an endless love and that if I didn't get to the point where I can understand all of Him then I can't possibly understand all His love or the way He chooses to work. Yes, the logic thing to do would be for Him to work a land that is actually fruitful, but my logic is wrong because it thinks that fruit has to do with the superior quality of the soil and Adonai just proves me time and time again that fruit has to do with the One working the soil and that can turn even a wilderness into a garden.
One of my favorite verses from the Torah says 'Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the Lord your God will gather you and bring you back.' - Devarim/ Deuteronomy 30:4
If I am a fruitful soil for Him Baruch Hashem! I can boast about it but not to Adonai, but if my land and all the earth that I am has turned into a wilderness and if my sand would be banished to the most distant land under the heavens, I know with all my heart that the One who calls Himself I AM, will gather every grain of my sand because He is the only One that knows how I turned into this desert. Only He knows what every grain of sand was before it turned to sand. And if it so happens that I am desert now, I know that in all this nothingness and all this ugliness He wants me to prepare a way for Him so He would come to me. I asked HaShem 'even if I would start making a way for You, why would You ever come in the desert Melech Sheli (my King)?' I felt Him saying 'I've been there before'.
If there is anything left good in me it's Him. If He is seen in me beyond all this desert then I know it's not my doing.
If you go through the wilderness all you need is patience and determination to not quit until you're out, but if you are the wilderness then even if someone would place you in Gan HaEden (Garden of Eden) you'd still be a wilderness. My desert has nothing to do with the circumstances I'm in right now and I know my desert won't be less of a desert if I get out from the circumstances I face. I don't need either patience nor determination to have victory over my desert, but I need to prepare a way for the One that is Life itself, a way to come and tear down my mountains that I see too high for me to climb and change them into fruitful places, to come and exalt every valley, everything that I lack in my very own character that prevents me from seeing Him the way He really is. I know His glory will come. If I've became this desert I won't stay this way because I am preparing a way for Adonai in the desert even if it seems in vain. I know Adonai's Shekinah will be revealed in my desert and then everyone will know that this desert has no merits, but all glory belongs to the One that gathers every grain of my sand from the most distant land under heavens only so that I can be His with all I am. By Him, through Him and for Him are all things!

Bat Melech בת מלך
Cristina